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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities, Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both views abd give your own opinion

5.5 / 9
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Introduction
For all people,
health
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 is the greatest wealth.
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Government
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The government
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 is taking care of society's
health
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 at large. From the point of view of some people, the gamification opportunities boost the strength
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
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 others think that there are several different ways to improve the community's well-being. Let's discuss both perspectives.
Body paragraph 1
Fitness is the key to good
health
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. The
government
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 should enhance the number of national parks to facilitate more sports activities and gyms to boost immunity. For society's members, the chances of getting fatal diseases are more likely to be reduced by having
the excercise
Replace the word
exercise
 on a daily basis.
For example
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, with the 30 mins of daily morning walk, a heart patient lessens the chances of having a heart attack.
Therefore
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, public service in the form of physical exercise and sports increase
overall
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 community's well-being.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, there are some other initiatives that
also
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 result in enhancing the immunity of
population
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the population
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 rather than sports ,
such
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 as increasing the number of
government
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 hospitals, better sewage system, good waste management , sanitisation, pollution mitigation activities, more planting of trees, adoption of recycling processes and environmental saving opportunities. All of these , for sure, contribute to a greater
health
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 system for a whole nation.
For instance
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, Pakistan's state has taken the initiative of E-bikes and E-vehicles for pollution free climate. In
this
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 way, people are less likely to have lung diseases.
Body paragraph 3
Furthermore
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, in my opinion, both ways are suitable for maintaining good energy. But in the same way , taking steps for the green environment and mitigation of pollutionary activities are of great importance because they not only help one country to stabilise the strength of the nation but
also
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 support the whole world's climate.
Conclusion
Hence
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, I would like
to conclude
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 by saying that having good
health
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 is important, whether it is
due to
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 walking and going to the gym or decrease the liter and waste for less pollution.
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Government
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The government
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 should focus on
the
Correct article usage
apply
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initiatives of increasing the opportunities for maintaining
the
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apply
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energy at large in both ways.

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view. To make your answer stronger, explain more clearly why sports places may not help people who do not have time, money, or interest in exercise.
task response
Your own view is clear: both sports and a clean environment are important. State this view more directly in the introduction, then keep the same main idea in the body and ending.
task response
Some ideas are too wide, such as hospitals, trees, recycling, waste, and pollution. Choose two main points and explain each one well. This will make your answer more focused.
task response
The example about e-bikes is useful, but make the link clearer: less dirty air can lead to fewer lung problems. Avoid claims that sound too certain, such as a walk stopping a heart attack.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, sports view, other measures, your view, and conclusion. Keep one main idea in each paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words more carefully. For example: 'On the one hand' for sports, 'On the other hand' for other steps, and 'In my view' for your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are long and list many ideas. Break them into shorter sentences. This will make your meaning easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating words such as 'health', 'strength', and 'well-being' too often. You can also use 'people’s health', 'fitness', or 'a healthy life'.
task response
You answer every part of the question: you explain the value of sports places, describe other health steps, and give your own view.
task response
You use relevant examples, including daily walking and cleaner transport.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs are easy to see, and the conclusion returns to your main point.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as 'However', 'For example', 'Furthermore', and 'Hence' help show the flow of your ideas.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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