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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some sociologists argue that the widespread proliferation of algorithms and automated decision-making in the judicial and financial systems eliminates human bias and guarantees fairness. Others, contend that these technological systems merely entrench and perpetuate systemic societal inequalities.

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Introduction
Some social scientists believe that the global proliferation of automated
systems
Use synonyms
 in the legal and banking institutions reduces human bias and
ensure
Correct subject-verb agreement
ensures
show examples
 fairness.
However
Linking Words
, others suggest that these technological programs just reinforce and maintain social discrimination.
Body paragraph 1
Automated
systems
Use synonyms
 make decisions without emotional responses, which may influence financial or judicial tasks more fairly. The program based on not spiritual creature
tent
Correct subject-verb agreement
tends
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 to carry out tasks accurately.
Also
Linking Words
, the algorithms can’t judge the situation
according to
Linking Words
 their own values or principles. these reason may help to avoid human emotional flaws,
such
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 as lies, and inspire confidence.
For example
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, in a
bank
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bank,
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 the computer system distributes loans fairly to the poor people,
due to
Linking Words
automized
Correct your spelling
automated
 data tasks.
it
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It
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 tends to have a good impact on citizens’ living
condition
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conditions
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 and their trust
to
Change preposition
in
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 the
cities
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city's
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 authorities
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apply
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systems
Use synonyms
. So
that
Correct word choice
apply
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, the artificial system has no emotional pressure, which permits to make decision more
accurate
Replace the word
accurately
.
Body paragraph 2
Nevertheless
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, the other part of sociologists
consist
Correct subject-verb agreement
argues
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 that the technological
systems
Use synonyms
 may cause inequality
results
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apply
show examples
.
Due to
Linking Words
 one established algorithm , the
systems
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 usually consider similar cases equally, which might lead to
miscalculates
Replace the word
miscalculations
 or unfair decisions.
For instance
Linking Words
, in the
court
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court,
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 the system might follow its predefined algorithms wrongly and deliver
incorrect
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an incorrect
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 sentence,
due to
Linking Words
incapacity
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the incapacity
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 to consider
fully the individual circumstances
Correct word order
the individual circumstances fully
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.
As a result
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, the possibility of
misleading
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a misleading
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 decision-maker may
be not
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not be
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 the most
trustful
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trustworthy
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 way for unique cases.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the automated decision-maker may have a good impact on
peoples’
Check wording
people’s
show examples
 trust and fairly
distributing
Wrong verb form
distribute
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 finances to them.
While
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 the idea of not using
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
artificial innovation
based
Verb problem
is based
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 on
misunderstanding
Add an article
a misunderstanding
show examples
the
Change preposition
of
show examples
 personal cases.

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task response
Your essay talks about both views, but your own view is not clear. State clearly if you think these systems are mainly fair, mainly unfair, or useful only with human checks.
task response
Explain each main idea more fully. In the first body part, say why data can make loan or court choices fair. In the second, show how old unfair data can lead to unfair results.
task response
Your bank and court examples fit the topic, but they need more detail. For example, a bank system may use past loan data; if poor people got fewer loans in the past, the system may keep this unfair pattern.
task response
Some claims are not clear or do not fit well. A system cannot lie, but people who make the system may put bad or unfair data into it. Focus on this key point.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer plan: introduce both views and your view; give one paragraph for fairness; give one paragraph for unfair results; then end by restating your view.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main sentence. Then add an explanation and one example. This will make the ideas easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. “So that” is often not right here. Try “Therefore”, “As a result”, “However”, or “For example” when they show the real link between ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Make the ending clearer. At present, it does not clearly sum up your view. Say that automated systems may help, but they should be checked by people and tested for unfair results.
task response
You address both sides of the question and use examples from banks and courts.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two main body parts, and an ending, so the reader can see the basic shape of your answer.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, such as “However”, “For example”, and “As a result”.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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