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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that money is the best gift to give teenagers, while others disagree. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving money as a gift? What is your opinion?

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Introduction
More and more
people
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 think that giving some
money
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 to young
people
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 is considered a good advantage,
while
Linking Words
 others disagree. From my perspective, I think the negatives are more impactful than the positives for one main reason.
Body paragraph 1
First of all, some
people
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 believe that
money
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 as a gift can positively affect teenagers' education. Obtaining
money
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 effectively encourages young
people
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 to achieve high scores in school, which leads to the existence of successful individuals.
As a result
Linking Words
, adopting
this
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 strategy and implementing it in different educational systems in a country is vital to get highly skilled employees. A study conducted by the Department of Education at Melbourne University concluded that 75% of high-school students prefer
money
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 as a prize.
Therefore
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, providing
money
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 as a reward for the young community is sufficient.
Body paragraph 2
In addition
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, I completely believe that
money
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 is not the appropriate choice as a prize for young
people
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. Providing
money
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 is capable of making young individuals spend more on unimportant products, which leads to
its
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
 end
due to
Linking Words
 poor management.
Consequently
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, there will be many
people
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 in the community who have a consumerist mindset and ignore any other rewards in their future jobs.
For instance
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, companies that have offers on modern and luxury accessories encourage teenagers to purchase them at any price.
As a result
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, the option of offering
money
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 to young
people
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 should be reconsidered.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I totally believe that the management aspect is more crucial than just giving
money
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 to young individuals, whilst some
people
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 have an opposite opinion.

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task response
Answer all parts in a clear way. You explain good and bad points, and you give your view, but the good points need more detail. Add another clear good point, such as teens can buy school items or save for a future need.
task response
Keep the focus on gifts for teenagers. The part about using money in whole school systems and skilled workers is too wide. Explain more directly how a cash gift may help or harm a teenager.
task response
Make your view more exact. Say that money can be useful when an adult gives help and sets clear rules, but that other gifts may be better if a teen cannot manage money well.
task response
Use examples that clearly prove your point. The university study is not fully explained, and a company sale is not a strong example of a gift. A short real-life example about a teen saving money or buying needless things would work better.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. However, each main part should begin with one simple topic sentence and then give an explanation and example that stay on the same idea.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as 'for example', 'because', 'therefore', and 'however'. Do not use 'as a result' many times in one paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last paragraph stronger. Restate your view and give one short reason. Do not add a new idea about management without clearly linking it to the points before.
task response
You discuss both the good and bad sides of giving money, and you clearly show your own view.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as 'First of all', 'In addition', and 'For instance' to guide the reader.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial responsibility
  • budget
  • save
  • informed spending decisions
  • personal preferences
  • practical and efficient
  • unwanted or inappropriate gifts
  • impersonal
  • emotional value
  • thoughtfulness
  • personal consideration
  • wise financial decisions
  • frivolously
  • lasting memories and experiences
  • educational courses
  • hobby-related equipment
  • long-lasting positive impact
  • fostering interests and skills
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