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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, a growing number of people with health problems are trying alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their usual doctor. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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Introduction
IN RECENT TIMES, PEOPLE USE ALTERNATIVE MEDICINES AND TREATMENTS BY
THIER OWN
Correct your spelling
THEMSELVES
 RATHER THAN PAY VISIT TO THE DOCTOR.
THUS
Linking Words
, IT WILL BRING MORE
HEALTH
Use synonyms
 RELATED PEOBLEMS, WHICH
IS
Correct subject-verb agreement
ARE
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 ABLE TO BE TREATED. IN MY OPINION ,
THIS
Linking Words
 WILL
HAVING
Wrong verb form
HAVE
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 A LOT OF
DRWABACK
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DRAWBACKS
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 RATHER THAN MERIT , AS I WILL DISCUSS IN THE UPCOMING PARAGRAPHS.
Body paragraph 1
TO COMMENCE WITH, SELF
TREATMENT
Use synonyms
 WORSE THE DISEASE CONDITION, AS IT MAKES
YOU
Correct determiner usage
YOUR
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 BODY RESISTANT TOWARDS THE MEDICATION.
THIS
Linking Words
 WILL
LEADS
Verb problem
LEAD TO
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 MORE
HEALTH
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PROBLEM
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PROBLEMS
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,
AND
Correct word choice
apply
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WHICH
IS
Correct subject-verb agreement
ARE
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 DIFFICULT TO TREAT.
For instance
Linking Words
, IN INDIA, 85% OF PEOPLE TAKING MEDICINE WITHOUT PRESCRIPTION AND SHOWS DRASTIC
HEALTH
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 PROBLEMS.
THEREFORE
Linking Words
,
SELF
Correct your spelling
SELF-TREATMENT
TREATMENT
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 WILL
SHOWS
Wrong verb form
SHOW
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 A HUGE NUMBER OF CASES WHICH ARE DIFFICULT TO
CURED
Wrong verb form
CURE
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 IN FUTURE AND PROVIDE THEM
APPROPRIATE
Change preposition
WITH APPROPRIATE
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TREATMENT
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.
Body paragraph 2
ALSO
Linking Words
, A
PERSON
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 DOESNOT ABLE TO FIND OUT THE ALLERGIC REACTION THEY GET FROM THE WRONG MEDICINE.
THIS
Linking Words
 WILL CAUSE LOW IMMUNITY, AND A
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PERSON
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PERSON'S
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 BODY
DOESNOT
Wrong verb form
IS NOT
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 ABLE TO MAKE ANTIBODIES
REGARDING
Wrong verb form
AGAINST
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 BACTERIA OR VIRUS.
MOREOVER
Linking Words
, MULTIPLE OTHER DISEASE WILL EFFECT THE BODY OF A
PERSON
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. TO EPITOMISE, IF A
PERSON
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 HAVE AUTOIMMUNE MEDICATION,
FOR EXAMPLE
Linking Words
 IMMUNOSUPRESSENT
THIS
Linking Words
 WILL
CREATE A
Correct word order
WEAKEN A PERSON'S IMMUNITY
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PERSON
Use synonyms
'S IMMUNITY WEAK , AND A
PERSON
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 GET SICK EASILY BECAUSE OF THESE KIND OF MEDICATIONS .
THEREFORE
Linking Words
, HAVING
A
Correct article usage
apply
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COMPLETE INFORMATION REGARDING TABLETS WILL HELP FROM
SUCH
Linking Words
KIND OF
Correct determiner usage
A
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 PROBLEM.
Conclusion
IN CONCLUSION, TAKING
TREATMENT
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 FROM A WELL-QUALIFIED DOCTOR HELPS YOU TO PROMOTE YOUR
HEALTH
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 RATE RATHER THAN SELF-MEDICATION.
MOREOVER
Linking Words
, HAVING MEDICINES OR TREAMENT BY OWN WILL MAKES YOU
HEALTH
Use synonyms
 MORE PRONE TO INFECTION AND VARIOUS DISEASE CONDITIONS.

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Task response
State your view in a clear way at the start: this is a negative change. Keep this same view in each main paragraph.
Task response
Develop each main idea more fully. Explain how wrong treatment can make an illness worse, then explain why a doctor can stop this problem.
Task response
Use examples that are clear and true to the point. The India number is not explained, so it does not strongly support your idea. A simple example of a person taking the wrong drug would work better.
Task response
Some ideas are not accurate or clear. For example, not all alternative treatment is the same as taking medicine without a doctor. Make this difference clear.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear opening, two body paragraphs, and an ending. This is a good basic shape. Make each body paragraph focus on one main idea only.
Coherence and cohesion
Use clear links between ideas, such as “First,” “As a result,” “For example,” and “Therefore.” Do not use too many links if the next sentence does not clearly follow.
Coherence and cohesion
Make your sentences shorter. Many sentences are hard to follow because the grammar and word order are unclear. Write one idea in each sentence.
Coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “self treatment” and “health problems” many times. Use simple other words, such as “this practice,” “this choice,” or “these risks.”},{
Topic Vocabulary:
  • alternative medicines
  • treatments
  • positive development
  • negative development
  • health problems
  • usual doctor
  • access
  • personalized approach
  • holistic well-being
  • lack of regulation
  • evidence-based research
  • proper medical treatment
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