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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message.

6.5 / 9
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Introduction
In recent years, it has been observed that working hard to achieve anything is a significant message for
children
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 and plays an influential role in their lives. Some people believe that it is a useful message to make them work harder.
However
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, others think
this
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 can affect their lives if they don’t achieve their
goals
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.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, supporters of the first view argue that
this
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 approach can be beneficial in encouraging
children
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 to work hard. When
children
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 are involved in any activity with enthusiasm,
this
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 allows them to increase the likelihood of achieving their
goals
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 and makes them happier and
proud
Replace the word
prouder
 of themselves. A study published by New York University concluded that 67% of
children
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 who are encouraged by their parents to work harder noticed a 50% increase in their chances of achieving their
goals
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, which may make them happier in their lives.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, supporters of the opposing view believe that
this
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 can have a harmful influence on
children
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. If they do their best and still don’t get what they want,
this
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 can make them feel disappointed, and they may not try again. A report conducted by Saudi researchers found that 78% of
children
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 with
this
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 mindset lose confidence in themselves when they don’t achieve their
goals
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.
Consequently
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, they may not try to set or achieve any new
goals
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, persuading
children
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 that they can achieve whatever they want can have advantages and disadvantages. It is
also
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 true that it can have a significant positive effect on
children
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.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more direct way. Say clearly what the main good point is and what the main bad point is in the first part.
task response
Develop each main point more. For example, explain that hard work can help children build hope, skill, and the wish to keep going. Then explain that not all goals can be reached because of luck, money, health, or other limits.
task response
Use real and clear examples. The reports with exact numbers do not have enough detail, so they may not sound true. A simple example about a child learning a sport or doing school work would be stronger.
task response
Make the ending more balanced. It now mainly repeats the good side. State that the message is useful only when adults also teach children that failure can happen and does not mean they are not good.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, one part for each side, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make the first sentence of each part show the exact point more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as “because”, “so”, “for example”, and “as a result”. This will make the move from hard work to happiness, and from failure to loss of hope, easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid saying “supporters of the first view” and “supporters of the opposing view”. These words are long and do not add much. Start with the idea instead, such as “This message can help children work harder.”
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas repeat, such as achieving goals and trying hard. Add one new detail in each part rather than saying the same idea again.
task response
You discuss both the good and bad sides of the message, and both parts are linked to children’s feelings and actions.
task response
The main ideas are easy to understand: the message can make children work hard, but it can also make them feel sad after failure.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is well ordered, with an introduction, two main parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, and “Consequently” help the reader follow your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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