IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Topic: Nowadays, more people move away from their friends and families for work. Do advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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In recent times, more and more people tend to relocate away from their loved ones and friends in order to pursue employment
opportunities
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. In
this
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 essay, I would argue that the
benefits
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 of
such
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 a move outweigh the
drawbacks
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. One of the primary
benefits
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 of changing places for work is the potential
of
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for
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 career advancement. Relocating allows people to access better job
opportunities
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, high salaries, and enhanced professional growth.
For example
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, urban cities are most likely
offering
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to offer
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 more job
opportunities
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,
such
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 as architect , IT, and engineer positions, which are rarely found in rural areas.
Further
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, people decided to leave their hometowns to pursue their professions.
Consequently
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,
this
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 can lead to improved living standards and the ability to support one’s family financially.
Additionally
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, exposure to different cultures and work environments can broaden one’s perspective and skills, making them more competitive in the global job market. Despite the fact that relocating for work offers fewer
benefits
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,
however
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, the
drawbacks
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 of moving away are substantial. One major drawback is the emotional toll it takes on individuals. Being separated from their loved ones can lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation, which can affect mental health. The absence of a support system can exacerbate anxiety and stress.
Moreover
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, it is the potential social and cultural adjustment in a new location. Adapting to a different lifestyle, language, and societal norm can be challenging and may lead to a sense of alienation.
This
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 adjustment period can be particularly difficult for those who have strong ties with their home cultures and
community
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communities
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. In conclusion,
while
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 it is true that moving away from families and friends for career
opportunities
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 has several
drawbacks
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,
such
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 as the emotional toll, and social challenges. I strongly believe that the
benefits
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 outweigh the
drawbacks
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 because of the potential
of
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for
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 career advancement and financial gains.

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coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, you may consider ensuring clearer transitions between paragraphs and between different ideas within the same paragraph. Utilize linking words and phrases to better connect your arguments. For example, instead of starting a new point with 'Despite the fact', you might use a smoother transition such as 'On the other hand' or 'Conversely'.
task achievement
In your task response, while you offered a balanced discussion, remember to give more specific examples. This can make your argument more compelling and relatable. For example, you could mention specific cities known for job opportunities or cite surveys/statistics if applicable.
task achievement
Your essay clearly presents both the advantages and disadvantages of relocating for work, maintaining a balanced perspective throughout.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-structured and effectively encapsulate your arguments.
task achievement
You support your main points with logical reasoning and relevant ideas, which contributes to a well-rounded response.
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