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Band 4.5

Some people think that schools should teach students how to become good citizens. Others believe that this should be the role of parents. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
Do you think that
schools
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 should teach
students
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 how to become good citizens
or
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, or
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 should that be the role of the
parents
Use synonyms
? It is actually quite an interesting topic. Both sides have strong points and reasons behind their argument.
Body paragraph 1
Let's begin with the idea of
schools
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 teaching
students
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 how to become good citizens. Not only are
schools
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 equipped with materials needed to provide
students
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 with adequate lessons that aim to teach the best
morals
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, but
Linking Words
also they can
Correct word order
they can also
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 provide a unified idea and guideline to what makes a student a good citizen.
Additionally
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,
schools
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 allow for the perfect environment to teach social guidelines that would be difficult to replicate at home.
On the other hand
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, not everything is perfect in
defense
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defence
show examples
 of
schools
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.
To begin
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 with,
school's
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schools
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 may be influenced by third parties to teach
values
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 that benefit large
organizations
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organisations
show examples
. To add on,
schools
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 may teach
values
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 and
morals
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 to
students
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 that
parents
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 do not agree with and clash with their
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morals
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own morals
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 and
values
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.
Body paragraph 2
on
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On
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 the other side of the fence, let's take a look at the
parents
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.
Firstly
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,
parents
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 provide one to one teachings that
allow
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allows
show examples
students
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 to connect better with them.
Furthermore
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,
parents
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 are able to closely inspect and guide their kids in the moment and create a safe learning environment for their child.
Not to mention
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, they are able to
personalize
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personalise
show examples
 and teach their kids what they think is right
which
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, which
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 often can be morally correct as opposed to
morals
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 pushed by large firms.
Although
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,
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apply
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 not all arguments for
parents
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 are as great.
starting
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Starting
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 off,
parents
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 may have grown up with incorrect and harmful
values
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 that could be passed
off
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on
show examples
 to their children.
Aswell
Correct your spelling
As well
 as,
parents
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 may not base their
morals
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 and
values
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to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 being a good citizen
off of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 evidence-proven research and opinions.
Lastly
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, some
parents
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 may cause
for
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apply
show examples
a child's learning space to be unsafe if
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 choose to contradict them.
Conclusion
Personally, I think that
school's
Check wording
schools
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 should teach
students
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 how to become good citizens. As they are able to provide better unified guidelines behind the teachings provided. It is an interesting topic to debate and argue , and in the end is very situational.

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task response
You discuss both schools and parents, and you give your own view. To make your answer stronger, explain more clearly why schools should have the main role and what role parents should still have.
task response
Your main ideas are clear, but some points need more support. For example, explain how school work, group tasks, and rules can help children learn to respect others and follow rules.
task response
Add one or two clear, real-life examples. For instance, a school may teach children to help in their local area, listen to other views, or work well with classmates.
task response
Some ideas are too general, such as schools being guided by large firms. If you keep this point, explain how this could happen and why it matters.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: schools, parents, then your view. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use a more direct opening. Do not begin by asking the same question again. State that both schools and parents have a role, then say what the essay will discuss.
coherence and cohesion
Use a more formal style. Phrases such as “let's begin”, “on the other side of the fence”, and “take a look” sound like speech, not an essay.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph start with one clear main point. Then add an explanation and an example before you move to the next point.
coherence and cohesion
Check small form errors because they can make links between ideas less clear: “schools'” not “school's”, “if they choose” not “if their choose”, and “as well as” not “aswell as”.
task response
You answer all parts of the question by looking at both views and giving a clear personal opinion.
task response
You include good ideas about the school setting, such as shared rules and time with other children.
coherence and cohesion
The use of paragraphs helps the reader see the change from the school view to the parent view and then to your own view.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “Additionally”, “Furthermore”, and “Lastly” to show the order of your points.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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