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Band 4.5

Films and games can be accessed at any time from mobile devices, like smartphones, tablets and laptop computers. Do the advantages of such developments outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
The topic of accessing
films
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 and
games
Use synonyms
 from mobile
devices
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 has
considerable
Verb problem
been the subject of considerable
show examples
 debate in recent years. Some people believe that
access
Wrong verb form
accessing
show examples
films
Use synonyms
 and
games
Use synonyms
 from mobile
devices
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 like smartphones, tablets and laptop computers has several
benfits
Correct your spelling
benefits
 that will affect people`s lives,
while
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 others believe that drawbacks exceed the benefits.
This
Linking Words
 essay will explore
advantages
Add an article
the advantages
show examples
 and disadvantages of accessing
films
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 and
games
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 from digital technology.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand, the major benefit of accessing
films
Use synonyms
 and
games
Use synonyms
 through digital
devices
Use synonyms
 is that it provides convenient and easy access to entertainment. The main reason is that it can help individuals who do not have sufficient money to go to
cinema
Add an article
the cinema
show examples
 to watch
movie
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a movie
show examples
.
For instance
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, if poor friends feel bored, and want to watch
film
Add an article
a film
show examples
,they can watch verity of
films
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 through their technology
devices
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.
Furthermore
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, accessing
films
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 and
games
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 through digital
devices
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 not only assists poor individuals to change their mood, but it
also
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 helps
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public places to be
orgnaized
Correct your spelling
organised
.
For example
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, if there are no
films
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at
Change preposition
on
show examples
 digital
devices
Use synonyms
, the cinemas will suffer from congestion.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, despite having several benefits of accessing
films
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 and
games
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 through digital
devices
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, there are many drawbacks as well.
First,
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the economy might decrease
their
Fix the agreement mistake
its
show examples
 profits. The main reason is that individuals will not buy tickets for watching movies, so
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the
econamy
Correct your spelling
economy
 will lose
their
Fix the agreement mistake
its
show examples
 profits.
Additionally
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,it might cause health and psychological issues for children and teenagers. The main reason is that teenagers and children might become addicted to screens.
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
while
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 accessing
films
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 and
games
Use synonyms
 through digital
devices
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offer
Correct subject-verb agreement
offers
show examples
 significant benefits
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 people`s lives, it is important to acknowledge the drawbacks
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as affecting the
economay
Correct your spelling
economy
 negatively and affecting
teenagers
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teenagers'
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 and
children healthly
Check wording
children's health
show examples
.

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task response
Give a clear answer in the first part: say if the good points are greater than the bad points, or the bad points are greater. Your essay talks about both sides, but your own view is not clear.
task response
Explain why each point matters. For example, easy use at home can save time and money. But too much use can harm sleep, study, and family time.
task response
Use more real and clear examples. The example about poor friends is too general. You could say that a student can watch a film on a bus instead of paying for a cinema ticket.
task response
Be careful with the point about money. Not going to the cinema does not mean that the whole economy loses money. Game and film makers can still make money from online sales, ads, or paid apps.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. Make the ending answer the main question more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Put one main idea in each paragraph. In the first body part, focus on easy access and lower cost. Do not add the point about cinemas being full unless you explain it well.
coherence and cohesion
Use link words with a clear job. For example: 'On the one hand' for good points, 'However' for bad points, and 'Overall' for your final view.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid saying 'The main reason is' many times. Use other simple forms, such as 'This is because', 'As a result', and 'For this reason'.
coherence and cohesion
Check small language problems that make ideas less clear, such as 'access films' to 'accessing films', 'a variety', 'organised', and 'the economy loses money'.
task response
You cover both good and bad points of watching films and playing games on devices.
task response
You include ideas about low cost, easy access, money, and health.
coherence and cohesion
Your main body has separate parts for good points and bad points.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful signposts such as 'On one hand', 'On the other hand', and 'To sum up'.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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