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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many governments in the world spend large amounts of money on art, which helps to improve the quality of people’s lives. However, governments should spend money on other things rather than art. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
The issue of spending large
amounts
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 of
money
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 on
art
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 by the
governments
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 has been the subject
considerable
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of considerable
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 debate in recent years. Some
people
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 believe that it is a beneficial notion to improve the quality of
people
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`s lives,
while
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 others argue that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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governments
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 should spend
money
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 on other
things
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 rather than
art
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.
This
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 essay will examine both perspectives before offering my own opinion.
Although
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 both arguments have their merits, I firmly believe that
governments
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 should spend
money
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 on other
things
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 rather than
art
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.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand, those who advocate that
governments
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 should spend large
amounts
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 of
money
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 on
art
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 argue that it can help to develop the quality of
people
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`s lives.
Furthermore
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, it can encourage many individuals who are good at
art
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. The main reason is that
people
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 can get
money
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 from their paintings.
For instance
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, if the
government
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 support a poor girl financially, the girl can get a huge
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amounts
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amount
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 of
money
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by
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from
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 her paintings.
In addition
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, spending large
amounts
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 of
money
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 on
art
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 by the
government
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 not only
help
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helps
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 individuals, but it
also
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 can increase the economy of the country.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, many who hold the belief that
government
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 should spend
money
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 on other
things
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 rather than
art
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 emphasise that there are many problems the
government
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 should focus on
it
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apply
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.
For example
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, many animals are becoming extinct,
the
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so the
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government
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 should build protected areas for them. The main reason is that if many animals become extinct,
people
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 might not find food sources. Meanwhile, many individuals suffer from poverty, so the
government
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 should assist
them
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apply
show examples
and support them.
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
while
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 there are valid
argument
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arguments
show examples
 on both sides,I firmly believe that
governments
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 should spend
money
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 on other
things
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 rather
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then
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than
show examples
art
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.The reasons outlined above clearly demonstrate the geovernments should help poor
people
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 and provide protected areas for endangered animals.

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task response
You answer the question and give a clear view: money should go to other needs first. To make your answer stronger, explain more clearly why art should get less public money, not only why poor people and animals need help.
task response
Your main ideas are useful: helping poor people and saving animals. Add one clear link to the topic in each body part. For example, say that health, homes, food, and safe places for animals are more urgent than art.
task response
The example of the poor girl is not fully clear. It shows that art can help one person, but it does not show why public money for art helps many people. Use a more real and full example, or explain the result in more detail.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, one side, the other side, and conclusion. Keep this order, but make each paragraph focus on one main point only.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are joined too closely without a space, such as after a full stop. Check spaces and full stops carefully so the reader can follow your ideas with ease.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words in a more clear way: 'First', 'Also', 'However', 'For this reason', and 'In short'. Do not repeat 'The main reason is' in every paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas need clearer links. For example, after saying animals may die out, explain how protected areas will help them and why this is a better use of money than art.
task response
You give your own view in the introduction and repeat it clearly in the ending.
task response
You discuss both sides of the question, and your ideas about poverty and animals are on topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has clear paragraphs and uses helpful link words such as 'On one hand', 'On the other hand', and 'To sum up'.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • art
  • money
  • government
  • fund
  • budget
  • balance
  • need
  • health
  • education
  • people
  • life
  • culture
  • city
  • public
  • work
  • job
  • value
  • benefit
  • idea
  • plan
  • result
  • access
  • equal
  • support
  • spend
  • care
  • society
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