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Writing Samples
Band 6

Many children today are overweight. This is a serious health issue. Give the reasons for this and give solutions to help in this issue.

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Introduction
The world has changed , and that includes the eating habits of
children
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. Many
children
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 are overweight, and
this
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 leads to serious health problems. There are several reasons for
this
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 issue, and there are effective
solutions
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 for
this
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 problem.
This
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 essay will examine both causes and
solutions
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 of child obesity.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, obesity has several reasons.
First,
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children
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 eat unhealthy foods.
For example
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,
children
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 order many fast food meals.
Also
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, eat a lot of candy and chocolate, these foods often contain high fat and sugar.
Second,
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video games are one of the main reasons.
For instance
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, family leave their
children
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 to play video games without putting a time limit.
Also
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, it leads the
children
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 to be lazy and unlikely to play sports.
Finally
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,
children
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 do not like to participate in school activities. Like football and volleyball tournaments.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, there are many
solutions
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 to solve
this
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 problem and protect
children
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.
Firstly
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,
children
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 should play sports.
For example
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, parents should take their
children
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 to the gym or to the garden to do some exercise.
Also
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, they should play some sports
such
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 as football. Second,
children
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 should eat healthy food.
For instance
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, family should prepare healthy snacks for their
children
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 and give them some fruits and vegetables.
Finally
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, parents should put a limit on the time spent playing video games and watching on-screen content.
Moreover
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, the government should promote a healthy lifestyle.
For instance
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, they should
make
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hold
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 events or give some courses on how a healthy life has many benefits.
Also
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, governments should sell healthy food in supermarkets.
Conclusion
In conclusion, childhood obesity is caused by a lack of censorship from the family.
However
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, there are many
solutions
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 to protect
children
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 from
this
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 problem.

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Task response
You answer both parts of the task: why children are overweight and how to help them. To make your ideas stronger, explain each cause and each answer in more detail. For example, say how fast food and less exercise can cause weight gain.
Task response
Some points need to be more exact. Instead of saying the government should sell healthy food in supermarkets, say that it can ask shops to offer more healthy food at low prices.
Task response
Your last paragraph gives only one main cause: family control. It should sum up all key causes, such as unhealthy food, too much screen time, and little sport.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: opening, causes, answers, and ending. Keep this order, but make each paragraph focus on one main idea more clearly.
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Words such as First, Second, Finally, and For example help the reader, but do not use too many in every paragraph. Add clear links between the cause and its result.
Coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are not complete or do not join well. For example, change “Also, eat a lot of candy and chocolate” to “They also eat a lot of candy and chocolate.” This makes the meaning clear.
Coherence and cohesion
Use the same words for people when possible. For example, use “parents” rather than changing between “family” and “parents,” because parents are the people who set rules for children.
Task response
You give several useful causes, including unhealthy food, video games, and less sport.
Task response
You give practical answers, such as more exercise, healthy snacks, screen-time limits, and public health events.
Coherence and cohesion
The opening clearly states the topic and tells the reader that the essay will discuss causes and answers.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay uses clear paragraph breaks and a short ending, so it is easy to follow.
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