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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that education system is the only critical factor to development of a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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Introduction
In the modern world,
development
Add an article
the development
show examples
 of
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
nation
Use synonyms
 depends on many factors,
while
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 some argue that the education system plays a dominant role in the enhancement of a country. I
,
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apply
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 do not fully agree with
this
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 statement, and the reasons will be provided in favour of my inclination in the upcoming paragraphs.
Body paragraph 1
To commence with, there is no doubt that education plays a vital role in developing the cognitive skills of
the
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apply
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individuals, which will ultimately be beneficial for the development of the country.
However
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, it is not comprehensive in nature. There are many other elements that could not be overlooked,
such
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 as
,
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apply
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 the economy of any state
Correct pronoun usage
, which
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that is
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 one of the major
feature which
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features that
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 decides the growth of a
nation
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.
For instance
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,
eventhough
Correct your spelling
even though
,
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apply
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 Nepal has
great
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a great
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 literacy rate, it is still considered
as
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apply
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a developing
nation
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 just because it is economically weaker than others
Body paragraph 2
In addition
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 to that, different crime rates should
also
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 be considered. The
nation
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's ability to enforce rules and regulations to stop them shows the true progress
for
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of
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 being a developed state.
This
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 could be illustrated by the fact that
,
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 Afghanistan has a great nuclear power and advanced weapons, but
they are
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it is
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 not considered
as
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a
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 friendly neighbourhood,
due to
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their
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its
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 inability to stop terrorism.
Moreover
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, health predominantly
effects
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affects
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 the success rate of the native land, and if it is medically advanced enough to curb the diseases, the life span of people will be at cost
and
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, and
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 it would not matter if it is
a
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an
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 advanced economy or not, if it is suffering from high death rates.
Conclusion
In a nutshell, formal education is very important for the betterment of
the
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apply
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society, but other ingredients like
,
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apply
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 crimes, health and economy should
also
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 be considered with greater significance.

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task response
Your main view is clear: education is important, but it is not the only key to a country's growth. State this view in a more direct way in the first paragraph.
task response
Develop each main idea more fully. Explain clearly how a strong economy, low crime, and good health care help a country grow, and link each point back to the question.
task response
Be careful with facts in examples. The point about Nepal needs clearer support, and the example about Afghanistan and nuclear power is not clear or fully linked to education and national growth.
task response
Use fewer ideas if needed. Two well-explained reasons, with clear examples, are stronger than many short points.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, middle, and end. However, make the plan simpler: one body paragraph for the economy and one for health and safety, for example.
coherence and cohesion
Use topic sentences that clearly show the main point of each body paragraph. This helps the reader know why the paragraph is there.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with clear words such as 'First', 'Also', 'As a result', and 'For this reason'. Do not use too many linking phrases if the ideas are not fully connected.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long and contain several ideas. Break them into shorter sentences so that the meaning is easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating words such as 'development', 'country', and 'considered' too often. Use simple changes such as 'growth', 'nation', 'seen as', or 'viewed as'.
task response
You answer the question throughout and give a clear partly disagree view.
task response
You include relevant areas beyond education, such as the economy, safety, and health.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction gives your position, and the final paragraph returns to the main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Your body paragraphs use examples to support the points you make.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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