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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some peopl believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters (such as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matter that affect them. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
While
Linking Words
 some people think that by making their own decisions,
children
Use synonyms
 might become more selfish
resulting
Punctuation problem
, resulting
show examples
 in a community of
self-centered
Change the spelling
self-centred
show examples
 individuals, others argue that they should be
give
Wrong verb form
given
show examples
 the freedom to make their own decisions.
This
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 essay will discuss both perspectives before explaining why I believe
children
Use synonyms
 should make their own
decisons
Correct your spelling
decisions
.
Body paragraph 1
One major reason for people to assume that
children
Use synonyms
 might become selfish and
self centred
Correct your spelling
self-centred
, if they are allowed to make their own
choices
Punctuation problem
choices,
show examples
 is the immaturity, distraction and lack of focus.
This
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 can lead to uninformed decisions and
,
Correct determiner usage
a
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 lack of
difference
Replace the word
differentiation
 between needs and wants.
As a result
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, they end up
choosing
Verb problem
making
show examples
 regretful choices and risk damaging themselves emotionally.
For example
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,
children
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 are prone to spend money on flashy and trendy toys, which break very easily or
becomes
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become
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 out of trend in
few
Add an article
a few
show examples
 days.
Consequently
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, them regreting the
decision
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 of buying it in
first
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the first
show examples
 place.
Body paragraph 2
Furthetmore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
, a major reason for letting childrens to make their own choices is to instil a sense of responsibility
in their
Change preposition
at an
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 early age.
This
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 is because a responsible
invidual
Correct your spelling
individual
 is more confident
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and has better
Use synonyms
decision making
Correct your spelling
decision-making
skills
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.
As a result
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, they develop better interpersonal and social
skills
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, which
developes
Correct subject-verb agreement
develop
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 them into a better individual, and an integral part of society.
For example
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, a confident person with better social
skills
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 can be
succesful
Correct your spelling
successful
 in his career because of his
skills
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.
Consequently
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, supporting the community financially and emotionally, with his well- developed personality and
skills
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.
This
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 reinforces the fact that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 allowing
children
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make
Verb problem
to make
show examples
 their own
Use synonyms
decision
Check wording
decisions
show examples
 will encourage them
in becoming
Wrong verb form
to become
show examples
 an integral part of
community
Add an article
the community
show examples
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I firmly
beleive
Correct your spelling
believe
 that permitting
children
Use synonyms
 to make their own
Use synonyms
decision
Check wording
decisions
show examples
 promotes a well- rounded character development with improved social
skills
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. In the long term,
this
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 habit
molds
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moulds
show examples
 them into a crucial member of our society.

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Task response
You discuss both sides and give a clear view. To make your answer stronger, explain more clearly why choice does not always make children selfish. You can say that choice with rules from parents helps children think of others too.
Task response
Your first main point is not fully clear. Being young may lead to poor choices, but you need to link this more directly to people who only think about themselves. Add an idea such as children may learn to put their own wants before family needs.
Task response
Your examples are useful, but they need more detail. The toy example shows a bad choice, but it does not clearly show selfishness. Use an example about choosing food, clothes, or games while not caring about cost or other family members.
Task response
Your own view is clear, but make it more balanced. Say that children should make small daily choices, while parents should guide bigger choices. This directly answers both parts of the question.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, one paragraph for each view, and a conclusion. Keep this plan, but make the first sentence of each body paragraph state one simple main idea.
Coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because they have too many ideas. For example, split long sentences into two or three short sentences. This will make your meaning clearer.
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. You use 'As a result' and 'Consequently' many times. Use them only when one idea truly causes the next. You can also use 'For this reason', 'However', and 'In contrast'.
Coherence and cohesion
Check word forms and grammar because they can make the flow less clear. For example: 'should be given', 'children', 'decisions', 'becomes', 'regretting', and 'in the first place'.
Task response
You answer all parts of the question: you show both views and state your own view clearly.
Task response
The second body paragraph gives a clear good reason for child choice: it can build responsibility and confidence.
Coherence and cohesion
The introduction tells the reader what the essay will do, and the conclusion returns to your main view.
Coherence and cohesion
You use paragraphing well, and examples are placed after your main ideas.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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