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Band 7

Some peopl believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters (such as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matter that affect them. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
More and more
people
Use synonyms
 think that children will become selfish if they are allowed to make
decisions
Use synonyms
 on everyday matters,
while
Linking Words
 others may not agree with
this
Linking Words
 opinion. From my perspective, I believe both views are equally important for two main reasons.
Body paragraph 1
First of all, some
people
Use synonyms
 would argue that allowing young
people
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 to make their own choices on daily matters can deteriorate the social aspect
due to
Linking Words
 selfishness. The argument is that some kids become selfish and do not care about others, which leads to a negative impact on their personality.
This
Linking Words
 method results in many bad decision-makers in the future, ultimately leading to a decrease in the number of successful individuals in society. A study conducted by the Department of Social Sciences at Melbourne University concluded that 75% of poor decision-makers made their own choices on simple tasks when they were kids.
Therefore
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, the performance of the social system will deteriorate
due to
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 the presence of
this
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 strategy.
Body paragraph 2
In addition
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, I am convinced that giving them the freedom to make choices on crucial tasks is beneficial in personal development. What I mean is that young
people
Use synonyms
 can make important
decisions
Use synonyms
 which affect their lives, allowing them to know how to deal with different situations.
This
Linking Words
 process will reduce their mistakes in the future, which in turn produces successful and outstanding
people
Use synonyms
 in the country.
For instance
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, there are some kids who make new and hard
decisions
Use synonyms
, and
then
Linking Words
 they will realise their mistakes.
As a result
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, the objective will be achieved if that method is taken into account.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I firmly believe that
while
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 allowing children total freedom in everyday matters can foster selfishness, making their own
decisions
Use synonyms
 on critical tasks is essential.

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view. However, your first main idea is not fully clear: making small choices does not always make a child selfish. Explain how too much freedom may make a child ignore other people’s needs.
task response
Make your own view clear from the start. Your essay says both views are equally important, but the end says that choice on key tasks is essential. State one clear view and keep it through the essay.
task response
Use more direct examples. The Melbourne study is not explained and may seem made up. A simple home example would work better, such as a child choosing clothes but also learning to think about family plans and cost.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. To make the flow better, make each body part follow one pattern: main idea, why it happens, example, and result.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are unclear or too general. For example, “this method”, “this strategy”, and “that method” do not always say exactly what they mean. Repeat the key idea instead, such as “giving children full freedom in small choices”.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very broad claims, such as a fall in the number of successful people or poor social system performance. These ideas move too far from the main point and make the paragraph less focused.
task response
You answer all parts of the question by showing both sides and adding your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
The main parts are easy to find, and the use of “First of all”, “In addition”, and “In conclusion” helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your ending returns to the main issue and gives a balanced final view.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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