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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while others think that money and appearance are more important.Discuss both views,give your opinion

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Many
people
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 these days have differing ideas as regards
to
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apply
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the factors that contribute to
success
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 in life. One side says that hard
work
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 and
determination
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 are the keys to
success
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,
whereas
Linking Words
 others support the idea that
money
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 and physical appearance are more important.
However
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, from my point of view, financial resources and appearance can provide certain advantages
,
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;
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 hard
work
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 and
determination
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 are the most important factors in achieving long-term
success
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.On the one hand, some
people
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 think that hard
work
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 and
determination
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 the best way to achieve long-term
success
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.
This
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 is because individuals who
willing
Verb problem
are willing
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 to
work
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 consistently and overcome difficulties are more likely to achieve their goals.
For instance
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, students who
dedicade
Correct your spelling
dedicate
 sufficient time to studying and improving their skills often achieve better academic results.
Therefore
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, hard
work
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 and
determination
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 can help
people
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 overcome obstacles and achieve their ambitions.
On the other hand
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, some
people
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 believe that
money
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 and appearance are more important for
success
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.
This
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 is because having enough
money
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 allows
people
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 to get a good education and have better opportunities in life.
For example
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, rich
people
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 can start their own businesses more easily because they have enough
money
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 to invest.
Moreover
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, attractive
people
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 may have more chances of getting jobs in some fields,
such
Linking Words
 as modelling and acting.
However
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,
money
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 and
apearance
Correct your spelling
appearance
 can not always guarantee
success
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 because
people
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also
Linking Words
 need skills and hard
work
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 to achieve their goals. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
money
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 and physical
apearance
Correct your spelling
appearance
 can help
people
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 become successful, I believe that hard
work
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 and
determination
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 are more important.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give a clear view. To make your answer stronger, explain more fully why hard work can matter more than money over many years.
task response
Your examples are clear, but add one more real or clear case. For example, a person with little money may learn new skills, work hard, and build a good job or business.
task response
Be careful with very broad ideas. Say that money and looks can help in some jobs or at the start, but they do not always lead to success in all parts of life.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: first view, second view, then your final view. Keep this plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with more care. The word “However” starts a sentence that still develops the same side about money and looks. You could use “Yet” or start a new sentence to show your own view more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long. Split them into two short sentences, especially in the introduction, so your main point is easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Check noun and verb forms because they can make links between ideas less clear. For example, write “people who are willing to work” and “hard work and determination are”.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you explain both views and state your own opinion clearly.
task response
The examples about study, starting a business, modelling, and acting are on topic and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has one clear main idea, which makes the essay easy to read.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion clearly repeats your main view and brings the essay to a natural end.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • long-term success
  • hard work
  • strong determination
  • personal qualities
  • valuable skills
  • practical experience
  • overcome obstacles
  • recover from failure
  • equal opportunities
  • financial advantage
  • access to education
  • career opportunities
  • positive first impression
  • professional image
  • natural ability
  • self-discipline
  • clear goals
  • lasting achievement
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