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Writing Samples
Band 3.5

some people believe that celebrity personal events is waste of money. other feel that these celebrations play an important role in the lives of individual and in society as a whole. discuss both of viws and give your opinion.

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Introduction
Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that celebrating personal events
spend
Correct subject-verb agreement
costs
show examples
 a lot of
money
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 argue that these
festivies
Correct your spelling
festivities
 are important for
individual
Add an article
the individual
show examples
 and society.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both
viws
Correct your spelling
views
. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 personal
celebration
Use synonyms
 in special
occasion
Check wording
occasions
show examples
 are
essentials
Replace the word
essential
, but
people
Use synonyms
 should use
money
Use synonyms
 wisely.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, several
people
Use synonyms
contemplate
Verb problem
contend
show examples
 that personal events are
waste
Add an article
a waste
show examples
 of
money
Use synonyms
.
Use synonyms
Celebration
Check wording
Celebrations
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as
wedding
Check wording
weddings
show examples
,
birthday
Check wording
birthdays
show examples
, and
entertaiment
Correct your spelling
entertainment
.
This
Linking Words
money
Use synonyms
 could be used for more essential things
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
for instance
Linking Words
,
educations
Check wording
education
show examples
, buying
house
Add an article
a house
show examples
 or saving for the future. As shown by some
people
Use synonyms
have
Correct pronoun usage
who have
show examples
 huge weddings
part
Check wording
apply
show examples
even though they do not have enough savings, and the impact
they
Verb problem
is that they
show examples
 have to struggle to meet their daily needs because they have run out of
money
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, other
people
Use synonyms
 consider that festive
occasion
Correct subject-verb agreement
occasions
show examples
 are valuable in our lives and society. Personal events can bring family and friends together.
they
Capitalize the word
They
show examples
also
Linking Words
 give
people
Use synonyms
 an
opprtunity
Correct your spelling
opportunity
 to share happiness and create good memories more
unforgtabble
Correct your spelling
unforgettable
. In the case of a wedding
celebration
Use synonyms
 can bring two families together and make their relationship closer.
In addition
Linking Words
, celebrations can help
peolple
Correct your spelling
people
 feel connected to their community.
Conclusion
In my opinion, personal celebrations are
usefull
Correct your spelling
useful
 and necessary, but they do not need to be expensive.
Use synonyms
people
Capitalize the word
People
show examples
 should celebrate important moments with their families and friends
according to
Linking Words
 their financial situation. Spending
to
Use the right word
too
show examples
 much
money
Use synonyms
 only for a
celebration
Use synonyms
 can cause financial problems in the future.

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view, so you answer all parts of the task. Make your first view more exact: explain why some people think large events cost too much money.
task response
Give one more clear example for each view. For example, a family may use money for a house or school instead of a very large wedding. On the other side, a simple family meal can help people feel close.
task response
Your view is clear: events are important, but people should spend with care. State this main view at the end of the first paragraph too, so the reader knows your position from the start.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: first one view, then the other view, then your view. Keep each body paragraph focused on just one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. “On the one hand”, “Nevertheless”, “In addition”, and “In my opinion” help the reader. You can also use “For example” before your examples.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are not complete or are hard to follow. For example, change “Celebration such as wedding, birthday, and entertaiment.” to “Celebrations such as weddings and birthdays can cost a lot of money.”
coherence and cohesion
Check small word forms and spelling, as these can make the text less clear: “other argue” should be “others argue”; “viws” should be “views”; and “people” should start with a capital letter at the start of a sentence.
task response
You give a clear opinion and keep it the same in the final paragraph.
task response
Your examples of weddings, birthdays, family, and friends are relevant to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion, so it is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear paragraph starters to show the change from one view to the other.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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