IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
In recent years ,
technology
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is becoming
Wrong verb form
has become
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 more advanced in terms of monitoring
people
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 anywhere .
This
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 trend has both advantages and disadvantages
due to
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 several reasons . In
this
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 essay , both perspectives will be discussed before presenting my own opinion.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand , the main benefit is that tracking and monitoring help in catching
of
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apply
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criminals
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. Today's world
criminals
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 are more up to date
so
Punctuation problem
, so
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the
Verb problem
are the
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criminals
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Rephrase
apply
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also
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 . By using
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such
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apply
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sources like cellphone and security
camera
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cameras
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,
criminals
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 can be caught
with
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apply
show examples
more
ease
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easily
.
For example
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, many robberies that happened in the streets could be monitored through the security cameras of nearby buildings , restaurants and houses.
Therefore
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,
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use
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the use
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 of
technology
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 for seeing what
people
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 are doing is helpful.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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 ,
check
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checking
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 and
balance on
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balancing
 someone through mobile and camera
also
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 has disadvantages. The major drawback is that privacy is disturbed by
this
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 .
Use
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 of
technology
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 to track anyone for your own purpose is unethical and immoral.
For instance
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 , if a man placed a camera in
innocent
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an innocent
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person
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person's
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 house just to watch what he is doing
whole
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all
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 day to blackmail him .
This
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 act is considered very disturbing for other person who is unknown
about it
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person
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.
Furthermore
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, evil
people
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use
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mobile
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a mobile
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 tracker to follow
kind
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a kind
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 soul to hurt them or to attempt crimes.
Consequently
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,
this
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 development
also
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 has drawbacks. In my opinion, the advantages of
this
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modernization
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modernisation
show examples
 outweigh the disadvantages.
This
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 is because it makes
people
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 feel safe in new places and
also
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help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
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 in reaching the areas
safe
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safely
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 and sound
where
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that
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 they
never
Verb problem
have never
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visit
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visited
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 before through maps
in Mobile
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on mobile
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 phones.
Conclusion
In conclusion, observing
population
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the population
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 around the world through modern
technology
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 has benefits
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such
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, such
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 as
law
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that law
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 and justice can be enforced easily.
This
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also
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 has drawbacks
including
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, including
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 privacy issues
that
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is
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are
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 totally demolished by
this
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 sometimes.
Overall
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, both aspects should be considered carefully. In my point of view, the
use
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 of
this
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 development in
a
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the
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 right way gives more benefits.

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task response
Make your main view more clear in the introduction. Say at once that the good points are greater than the bad points, then keep this view through the whole essay.
task response
Give more detail about why the good points are greater. Your last reason about maps is useful, but it is not mainly about people being watched. Focus on safety, finding crime, and help after a crime.
task response
Use examples that fit the topic closely. The camera in a person's home is a strong example of harm, but explain how rules and permission can lower this risk.
task response
Your ideas are on topic and you discuss both sides. To make the answer stronger, compare the two sides more directly before the final view.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part plan: introduction, good side, bad side, and end. Keep this plan, but make each paragraph start with one clear main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use link words with care. Words such as “For example”, “Therefore”, and “Consequently” help the reader, but do not use them only to end a paragraph. Show clearly how each sentence leads to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the word order is not clear. For example, write “Criminals are also becoming more skilled” instead of “Today’s world criminals are more up to date so the criminals also.”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid saying the same idea again in the end. The conclusion should briefly restate your view and the two main reasons, without adding a new point.
task response
You answer the question, discuss both the good and bad sides, and give a clear final view.
task response
The examples of street crime and unwanted tracking are relevant and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
The paragraphs are clearly separated, and the reader can follow the order of your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
You use several useful linking words, such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “For example”, and “In conclusion”.
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