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Band 6

Some people prefer spending holidays in their own country, while others prefer travelling abroad. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
Nowadays, a new topic has arisen in our society
:
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:
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 some
people
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 prefer spending holidays in their own
country
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,
while
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 others prefer travelling abroad. I believe both views depend on
budget
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, landscapes, other facilities, and personal preferences.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, some
people
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 prefer spending holidays in their own
country
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.
This
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 is because they have a lower
budget
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; their
country
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 offers enough tourist attractions, comfortable
travel
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, and accommodation.
For example
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,
last
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 year, we went to the northern part of my
country
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, specifically Erbil, because we had just enough
budget
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 for low
travel
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 costs.
In addition
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, they provide four three-star hotels with acceptable facilities.
Therefore
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,
people
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 should visit tourist places based on their preferences. From my view, I prefer travelling abroad for maximum enjoyment.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, others prefer travelling abroad.
In other words
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, they have enough
budget
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 to enjoy their time abroad and learn about different cultures and food, which opens their minds and helps them see things differently.
For instance
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, two months ago, one of my friends, Abdul, went to Indonesia to explore its culture, food, and places of worship
like
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, like
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 temples.
As a result
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, travelling abroad will help you be patient and accept other
people
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's beliefs. From my perspective, I would like to
travel
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 to America to learn how they live and deal with different obstacles.
Conclusion
In conclusion, both views have interesting points, depending on
people
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's needs and abilities.
However
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, they should use a
travel
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 company to manage their trip for maximum enjoyment. I believe travelling abroad helps
people
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 understand and see things in different ways.

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view clearly. To make your answer stronger, explain more why a holiday at home can be good, not only cheaper. For example, it can save time, support local jobs, and be less tiring.
task response
Your view is clear: you prefer travel abroad. Keep this view focused in the last part. The point about using a travel company is new and does not directly answer the main question, so it would be better to remove it or explain why it matters.
task response
Your examples are personal and fit the topic. Make each example support one clear idea. For Erbil, say what you did there and why it was a good holiday. For Indonesia, explain how the trip changed your friend’s way of thinking.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. This makes it easy to follow. However, some ideas in each part are joined too quickly. Use a clear order: main idea, reason, example, then result.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. You use “For example”, “In addition”, and “Therefore”, but “Therefore” does not fit before “people should visit tourist places based on their preferences.” Use “As a result” only when the result comes from the idea before it.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “From my view” and “From my perspective” in the body. State your main opinion in the introduction, then use the body to show why. This will make the writing more smooth.
coherence and cohesion
Make the conclusion shorter and closer to your main points. Restate that home travel is cheaper and easier for some people, while foreign travel gives new cultural learning. Then give your final view.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you explain both choices and state that you prefer going abroad.
task response
The points about cost, local places, new cultures, and food are relevant and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
The two body parts are clearly separated: one is about holidays at home and the other is about travel abroad.
coherence and cohesion
You use examples to connect your ideas to real life, which helps the reader understand your points.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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