IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

many scientists believe that now wu can study the behavior of a three years old child to see whether they will grow up to be criminals. To what extand do you think crime is determined by human nature? is it possible to stop chlidren from growing up to be criminals?

6.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Nowadays, raising children is progressively universal, to see whether they grow up to be criminals based on scientistes researchs in the behaviour of the three-year-old child.
This
Linking Words
 shift has sparked a search for a solution to whether
such
Linking Words
 a child grows up to be a criminal and how to solve
this
Linking Words
 problem.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine the bad attitude determined by
kids
Use synonyms
 and how to protect
kids
Use synonyms
 from criminality phenomenon.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, there are several reasons why crime ain't in human beings.
Firstly
Linking Words
, children would adapt easily with mothers' attitudes.
For example
Linking Words
, a newborn baby is raised by his mother, she looks after him for the whole day, till he reaches 3 years old and above, he learns how to express his desires to his mother without talking, which makes him understand his mother's reaction.
Secondly
Linking Words
, Society environment has a massive influence on young people, because
kids
Use synonyms
 are not allowed to leave their
neighbourhood
Use synonyms
 by their parents.
As a result
Linking Words
, they will have a reliable connection with all neighbours. Indeed,
this
Linking Words
 will determine
neighbourhood
Use synonyms
 mentality.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, other families are handling resedancy area subject seriously , even if the rent is too expensive and living there costs a bunch of money.
For instance
Linking Words
, Italian families complained about the rent prices in the north of Italy because it is safe and citizens are educated,
whereas
Linking Words
 it is cheap in the south
,
Add a semicolon
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
, they want to avoid drug and criminal influence there.
As a result
Linking Words
, a clean
neighbourhood
Use synonyms
 will help parents to raise their sons away from negative impacts and push their
kids
Use synonyms
 to fulfil their future potential.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I believe that the three-year-old child grows up to be a member of the
neighbourhood
Use synonyms
 society.
In other words
Linking Words
, parents should provide a nice reaction behaviour and a friendly environment.
This
Linking Words
 approach boosts
kids
Use synonyms
' positive attitude and lays a solid personality for future potential.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer both questions more directly. State how far crime comes from human nature, then explain clearly if crime can be stopped.
task response
Your main view is that home and the local area shape a child. Say this clearly in the first part and keep each paragraph linked to this view.
task response
Explain the ideas more fully. For example, show how a child may copy bad acts at home or learn them from other children.
task response
The Italy example is useful, but make the link to child crime clearer. Explain what children may see or learn in an unsafe area.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer plan: introduction, one paragraph on nature, one on home and the local area, one on how to stop crime, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas are hard to follow because the link is not clear. Use simple links such as “This means that”, “For this reason”, and “However”.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. The first body paragraph moves from mothers to neighbours, so split or connect these ideas more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear sentences such as “crime ain't in human beings” and “bad attitude determined by kids”. Use direct ideas: “Crime is not only part of human nature” and “Children can learn bad behavior from others”.
task response
You give a clear view that parents and the local area can shape a child’s behavior.
task response
You include a real-world example about safe and unsafe places to live.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as “Firstly”, “For example”, “As a result”, and “In conclusion”.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: