IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the healthcare system. Some believe that introducing more physical education lessons in schools is the best way to address this issue. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Is believed that adding more physical education lessons is the ideal method to solve the increase in the obesity rate. Personally, I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 perspective. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss the reasone sporting
this
Linking Words
 belief, focusing on the importance of early intervention and
make
Wrong verb form
making
show examples
 it at no cost.
Body paragraph 1
First of all, there are many reasons why people think that more classes are an effective way to tackle the overweight issue. The main one is that the food-eating behaviour can be corrected easily
in the
Change preposition
at an
show examples
 early age of a person.
In other words
Linking Words
, in order to adjust a bad habit, the intervention should be at a young age. To illustrate, the rate of emotional eating among teenage girls in saudi arabia have been reduce by the help of their
school
Use synonyms
 educational class regarding the
disorder eating
Correct word order
eating disorder
show examples
 problem. For that, the
school
Use synonyms
 is the first place to start in terms of educating people about any health topic.
Body paragraph 2
Moreover
Linking Words
, other reasone sporting
this
Linking Words
 belief is that the lessons in
school
Use synonyms
 will be free of charge.
This
Linking Words
 means
,
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 any
overwheight
Correct your spelling
overweight
 individual needed a professional care, and the cost of it is the only obstacle
,
Add a semicolon
;
show examples
 obviously extra physical class is the solution.
For example
Linking Words
, a
school
Use synonyms
 in South Africa had coordinated with an athletic trainer to provide professional training schedules and healthy meal plans for students in need, owing to
this
Linking Words
 trainer, the number of overwhight decreased by half in one year.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the physical education lessons can be
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 help for the children in need
and
Correct word choice
who
show examples
can not afford it.
Conclusion
To sum up
Linking Words
, the early intervention,
along with
Linking Words
 being at no cost, are the substantial reason that supports
this
Linking Words
 view. In my opinion, I strongly believe that the
school
Use synonyms
 is the perfect place to start solving the obesity issue.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
State your view clearly, then explain why more PE is the best way. Your two main ideas are clear: help at a young age and free help at school.
task response
Develop each main idea more. Explain how PE can build a life-long habit of exercise, teach healthy food choices, and lower the risk of being overweight later in life.
task response
Be careful with the word “best”. The question asks if PE is the best way, so compare it with other ways, such as food rules at school, health lessons, or help for parents. You can say these also matter, but PE reaches all children.
task response
Use examples that are clear and believable. The examples about Saudi Arabia and South Africa need more detail, and avoid exact facts unless you are sure they are true.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: introduction, two body parts, and conclusion. Keep this plan.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first line stronger: write “It is believed that...” or “Some people believe that...”. This gives the reader a clear start.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear links between ideas. For example: “First,” “This is because,” “For example,” “As a result,” and “However.” Do not repeat “For that” when “Therefore” or “As a result” is clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each body part on one main idea. In the first, focus on early habits. In the second, focus on free school support. End each part by linking back to the main question.
coherence and cohesion
Check key word forms and spelling because they can make ideas hard to follow: “reasons supporting”, “overweight”, “reduced”, “have been reduced”, and “cannot afford it”.
task response
You give a clear opinion from the start and keep the same view in the conclusion.
task response
You choose two useful reasons that fit the topic: early help for children and free support through schools.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because each body part has its own main point.
coherence and cohesion
You use examples to support your ideas, rather than giving only general statements.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • overweight population
  • strain on the healthcare system
  • physical education lessons
  • develop healthy habits
  • regular physical activity
  • a sedentary lifestyle
  • childhood obesity
  • balanced diet
  • unhealthy eating habits
  • processed food
  • sugary drinks
  • nutritional education
  • healthier school meals
  • preventive measure
  • long-term health benefits
  • public health campaign
  • junk-food advertising
  • a combined approach
What to do next:
Look at other essays: