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Writing Samples
Band 8

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the healthcare system. Some believe that introducing more physical education lessons in schools is the best way to address this issue. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
It is believed that adding more physical
education
Use synonyms
lessons
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 is the ideal way to address the rising obesity rate. Personally, I completely agree with
this
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 view. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss the reasons supporting
this
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 opinion, focusing on the importance of early intervention and the fact that school-based programs are free of charge.
Body paragraph 1
First of all, there are many reasons why people believe that additional physical
education
Use synonyms
 classes are an effective way to tackle obesity. The main reason is that unhealthy eating habits can be corrected more easily at a young age.
In other words
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, if people are encouraged to adopt healthy habits early in life, they are more likely to maintain them in adulthood.
For example
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, the rate of emotional eating among teenage girls in Saudi Arabia has been reduced through school educational programs that raise awareness of eating disorders.
Therefore
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, schools are the ideal place to educate young people about health-related issues.
Body paragraph 2
Moreover
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, another reason supporting
this
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 view is that school-based
lessons
Use synonyms
 are free of charge.
This
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 means that children who need professional guidance can receive it without placing a financial burden on their families.
For instance
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, a school in South Africa collaborated with an athletic trainer to provide professional exercise programs and healthy meal plans for students who were overweight.
As a result
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, the number of overweight students decreased by half within one year.
Therefore
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, physical
education
Use synonyms
lessons
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 can provide essential support for children who cannot afford private health services.
Conclusion
To sum up
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, early intervention and free access to health
education
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 are the main reasons why increasing physical
education
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lessons
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 can help reduce obesity rates. In my opinion, schools are the perfect place
to begin
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 addressing
this
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 growing health issue.

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task response
Your view is clear from the start, and you answer the question well. To make the answer stronger, explain more directly why more PE lessons are the best way, not only a helpful way. You could also say why other ways, such as food rules or health care, may not work as well on their own.
task response
Your two main ideas are clear: help at a young age and free help at school. However, the first body part talks more about food and eating problems than PE. Add a clear link to sport, exercise, and regular activity in school.
task response
The examples make your ideas easier to understand. Make sure they sound real and are fully linked to the main point. For example, explain how the exercise plan, rather than only the meal plan, helped students lose weight.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: introduction, two body parts, and a short ending. Each body part has one main idea, so it is easy to read.
coherence and cohesion
Use a little more variety in links between ideas. You use “First of all”, “Moreover”, “For example”, and “Therefore” well, but some are used in the same way. You can also use “This is because”, “As a result”, and “In this way” when they fit.
coherence and cohesion
The ending repeats your main ideas well. It could be stronger if it gave one final reason why schools can reach all children on a regular basis.
task response
You clearly state that you agree, and your answer stays on the topic from start to end.
task response
The ideas about early help and free school support are useful and easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraph plan is strong. The reader can quickly see your main view, reasons, examples, and final answer.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear signposting words to guide the reader through the essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • overweight population
  • strain on the healthcare system
  • physical education lessons
  • develop healthy habits
  • regular physical activity
  • a sedentary lifestyle
  • childhood obesity
  • balanced diet
  • unhealthy eating habits
  • processed food
  • sugary drinks
  • nutritional education
  • healthier school meals
  • preventive measure
  • long-term health benefits
  • public health campaign
  • junk-food advertising
  • a combined approach
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