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Band 4.5

It is important for children to learn the differences between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? What sort of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behavior to children?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
The topic of debates
highly
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has been highly
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 noticed recently among many
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, which
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that is
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 about teaching the importance of differance between good and bad
thing
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things
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 at
young
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a young
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 age .
some
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Some
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 people believe that
punishment
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 is
most
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the most
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 significant way to do that ,
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however
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apply
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according to
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 me, it should not be considered as the only path to teach them because it can put huge impact on their mental health and in some cases
it
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, it
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 can lead to the
worse
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worst
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 cases.
Body paragraph 1
There are multipul supporter of
this
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 notion , from the number of
reason
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reasons
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 they explain to prove them right most compelling one is that
,
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apply
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if parents
will
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apply
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punish whenever their
children
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attempt
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make
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 a mistake .
Then
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 , they will avoid repeat same thing
second
Rephrase
twice
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 because they gonna have the previous memory of
results
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the results
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.
Simmilary
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Similarly
, in
schools
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schools,
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 if students get punished after getting
less
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lower
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 scores in
exam
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exams
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, they will
tried
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try
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 to improve
themselve
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themselves
 in future so that they can
get save from
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avoid
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punishment
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alomg
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along
 with
embesment infront
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embarrassment in front
 of their peers.
Body paragraph 2
On the
oppsite
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opposite
 point of view, as
result
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a result
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 of hight level of
strickness
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stress
 in the family and from teachers can be
reason
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a reason
show examples
 of bad impact on their mental health
as
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, as
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 they can
got
Wrong verb form
get
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 scared before trying
new
Add an article
a new
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 thing . because they gonna afeared of the results and reaction from their
elder's
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elders'
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 side . In
this
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 case , their ability and knowlegde gonna be limited
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along
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, and along
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 with
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this
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this,
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 they
never can
Correct word order
can never
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 explore the world freely.
Body paragraph 3
In my
option
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opinion
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,
their
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there
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 are other ways of controlling the
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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 of
children
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 and explain them
distinct
Replace the word
the difference
 between right and wrong things .
For instance
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 , parents know the child from
the
Correct article usage
apply
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birth
so
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, so
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,
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apply
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 they can start the process from being rather
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then
Use the right word
than
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 teaching them after growing
up the
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up. The
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 reason
of
Change preposition
for
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this
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 is
when
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that when
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the
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apply
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children
Use synonyms
in
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are in
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 the
begning
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beginning
 stage of
learning
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learning,
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 they never try to question them.
Also
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, they
mimick
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mimic
 their elders as
a
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apply
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role models
so
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, so
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 it can be the easiest way toward the positive result. From the
tescher's
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teacher's
 side
they
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,
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 rather than following strict
personaly infront
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personally in front
 of students all the time
they
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, they
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 can show them their
freindly
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friendly
 side so they can trust them
and
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, and
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 it will become
easly
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easy
 to explain
them
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to them
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 the importance of good
behavior
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behaviour
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. As a
output
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result
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 of
this
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 , they will start listen them without any argument .
This
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 is proven in a survey
condected
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conducted
 in America, after the change of roles about
punishment
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 in school
prohibited
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was prohibited
show examples
 .Highly
chnages
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changes
 noticed in the
behavior
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behaviour
show examples
 of
children
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 as they start
the
Verb problem
receiving the
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 recieving the prolite advise from
elder
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elders
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 rather
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then
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than
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 scolding them.
Conclusion
in conculion
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In conclusion
,
punishment
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 is the
accent
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best
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 way of teaching
younger
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the younger
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ganeration
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generation
.
However
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, as
world
Add an article
the world
show examples
 is changing
the
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, the
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 path of teaching
positive
Add an article
a positive
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atitude
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attitude
 should improve as well

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Task response
Answer both parts more directly. State clearly how far you agree, then say what kinds of punishment are allowed. Your view seems to be that punishment should not be the main way, but this needs to be said in a clear sentence at the start.
Task response
Give a clear list of safe punishments. For example, parents and teachers may use a calm talk, a warning, loss of screen time, extra helpful tasks, or a short time away from an activity. Say that hitting, shouting, and public shame should not be used.
Task response
Some ideas are too general. Explain how each method helps a child learn. For example, losing a game or phone time after bad behavior shows a result without causing fear.
Task response
Your school example is not strong because poor exam marks are not always bad behavior. Use an example about cheating, bullying, lying, or not following class rules instead.
Task response
Do not make a claim about a survey in America unless you can explain it well. A simple made-up example from home or school would be clearer and safer.
Coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer four-part plan: introduction with your opinion; one paragraph on why some punishment can work; one paragraph on safe punishment and why harsh punishment is harmful; conclusion.
Coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea. For example: “Mild punishment can help children see the result of bad behavior.” Then explain it and give one example.
Coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as “First”, “For example”, “However”, “As a result”, and “In conclusion”. Do not put too many ideas in one long sentence.
Coherence and cohesion
Make your position stay the same. You first say punishment should not be the only way, but the last line calls it an old way. Say clearly that calm, fair punishment can be used, while harsh punishment should be avoided.
Coherence and cohesion
Check the ending. It should repeat your main view and answer the question about allowed punishment. Avoid adding a new idea there.
Task response
You discuss both the possible good side of punishment and the harm caused by very strict treatment. This shows you are trying to give a balanced answer.
Task response
You give ideas from both home and school, which fits the question well.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, so the reader can follow the main shape of your answer.
Coherence and cohesion
You use contrast words such as “however” and “on the opposite point of view” to show different sides of the topic.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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