IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, would squander money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead. To what extent do you agree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include relevant examples from your personal experience or knowledge.

5.0 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
People have their own opinions about how
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should allocate their funds. Some individuals think that public services deserve better than
arts
Add an article
the arts
show examples
 and music
sector
Use synonyms
, as these
sectors
Use synonyms
 do not directly contribute to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
national development.
However
Linking Words
, I disagree with
this
Linking Words
 view. In my opinion, both
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
 and
art
Use synonyms
sectors
Use synonyms
 are important, and
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should invest in each
sector
Use synonyms
 as they play
unique
Add an article
a unique
show examples
 role in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
Body paragraph 1
Undoubtedly, investing in
Use synonyms
art
Add an article
the art
show examples
sector
Use synonyms
 is essential because it helps preserve and promote a
country
Use synonyms
's cultural identity. When countries start to promote music, theatre, and dance
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
then
Linking Words
 it encourages individuals to show their artistic skills and keep traditional customs alive.These creative activities show unique values, stories, and historical information, which makes people feel proud of their heritage.
As a result
Linking Words
, the
art
Use synonyms
 strengthens the connection between individuals and their culture.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the
art
Use synonyms
 contributes to enhancing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tourism and helps to
stabilize
Change the spelling
stabilise
show examples
 the economic situation of the host
country
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, tourists are mainly attracted to traditional folk songs, cultural festivals and old historical buildings.
By investing
Change preposition
Investing
show examples
 in
this
Linking Words
sector
Use synonyms
 helps to create job opportunities in different
sectors
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 automatically
reduce the
Correct subject-verb agreement
reduces
show examples
 poverty and unemployment
from
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
country
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
sector
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
play
Correct subject-verb agreement
plays
show examples
 a significant role in improving the quality
life
Change preposition
of life
show examples
 of citizens.
Government
Add an article
The government
show examples
 should invest in public
sectors
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as healthcare, education, and
transportation
Add an article
the transportation
show examples
 system for the betterment of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
For example
Linking Words
, well-funded hospitals provide better medical treatment,
while
Linking Words
 investment in schools will be beneficial for students to attain
good
Add an article
a good
show examples
 quality of education.
Linking Words
furthermore
Capitalize the word
Furthermore
show examples
, investing in public transportation will be helpful to reduce traffic congestion
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and
improves
Wrong verb form
improve
show examples
 the
air-quality
Correct your spelling
air quality
. These services not only
improves
Correct subject-verb agreement
improve
show examples
 the living standards but
also
Linking Words
 useful for the
overall
Linking Words
 development of the nation.
Therefore
Linking Words
, allocating sufficient funds to
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
sector
Use synonyms
 is essential for
Use synonyms
country's
Add an article
the country's
show examples
 progress.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
, I disagree that governments should spend more money on public services than on the arts. In my opinion, both
sectors
Use synonyms
 are equally important and should receive adequate funding as they benefit society in different ways.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You answer the question and give a clear view. To make your view stronger, say more clearly how money should be shared when there is not enough for both areas. For example, say that health and schools should come first, but arts should still get some money.
task response
Your main ideas are good: arts can keep culture alive and bring in visitors, while public services improve daily life. Add one real and clear example, such as a city festival that brings visitors and work for local people.
task response
Some claims need a little more support. Explain how arts money leads to jobs, and how this can help families and the country.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. Each main part has one main idea, so it is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with more care. In the first main part, 'Moreover' starts a new idea, but the next sentence needs a clear link: 'This can also help the economy because it creates jobs.'
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same word form and sentence shape. For example, use 'the art sector plays' not 'public sector also play'; use 'quality of life'; and start 'Furthermore' with a capital letter.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating 'art sector', 'public sector', and 'government should invest'. You can also use 'this area', 'these services', or 'such funding'.
task response
You give a direct opinion from the start and keep the same view until the end.
task response
You discuss both sides of the issue and explain why each one matters.
coherence and cohesion
The order of ideas is clear: arts first, public services next, then a short ending.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as 'For instance', 'On the other hand', and 'Therefore' help guide the reader through your points.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: