IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that the best to produce a happier society is to ensure that tere are only small differences between the richest and poorest members. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
In recent society, the wealth disparity between the richest and poorest
in
Verb problem
is
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 expanding in many
nation
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nations
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.
While
Linking Words
 some
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
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 hold the view that
minizing
Correct your spelling
minimising
 the gap is the foundation for
produce
Wrong verb form
producing
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 a happier society. I disagree, I believe that reducing
income
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is inequality in reality and it
Correct word order
inequality in reality and it is
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 not the main factor for enhancing societal
happiness
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.
Body paragraph 1
First,
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in my perspective
to
Punctuation problem
, to
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minizing
Wrong verb form
minimise
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 the gap by reducing the
income
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 is
unrelistic
Correct your spelling
unrealistic
 in many
countrys
Correct your spelling
countries
. In fast and well development countury
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people
Punctuation problem
, people
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are
Verb problem
apply
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still have to
working
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work
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 and
earning
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earn
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 money for livehood.
Goveronment
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Governments
 are dealing with
variety
Add an article
a variety
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duties
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of duties
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 including education, employment and industry
dvelopment
Correct your spelling
development
, so redistrvution the
income
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 is not the main concern for most
contury
Correct your spelling
countries
. In some
contury
Correct your spelling
countries
 in lack of
resourece
Correct your spelling
resources
 and development, the
happiness
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 they need is not about money or
minimzing
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minimising
 the
income
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 between others, it
what
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is what
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 they really need
for
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to
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 survive and
livehood
Correct your spelling
livelihood
. so public police should focus on what
people
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realy
Correct your spelling
really
 need to increase their
happiness
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.
Conclusion
Second,
Linking Words
the concept of
happiness
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 is shaped by diverse
factor
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factors
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 beyond
finacial
Correct your spelling
financial
 status. Most
people
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 argue that
income
Use synonyms
 is where the
happiness
Use synonyms
 is and is the only pathway to
happiness
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, but they ignore the
multi-dimesional
Replace the word
multidimensional aspects
 of forming
happiness
Use synonyms
.
In
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From
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 my
perspective
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perspective,
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 I define
happiness
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 as the things we get naturally, not
we
Correct pronoun usage
what we
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 hope to have
and
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, and
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 in current
society
Punctuation problem
society,
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 the increase in
teachinolgy
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technological
 development and
people
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get
Wrong verb form
getting
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 to attend higher education, more career
opertunity
Correct your spelling
opportunities
, meterial wealth are no longer
define
Wrong verb form
defining
show examples
 personal satisfaction. When
people
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 are
seek
Wrong verb form
seeking
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 fulfilment for
happiness
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they
Punctuation problem
, they
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more
Verb problem
are more
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 likely
focus
Verb problem
to focus
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 on freedom, cultural belonging and identity.
Therefore
Linking Words
, public police shouldn't
focusing
Wrong verb form
focus
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 on
minizing
Correct your spelling
minimising
 the gap
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 finance rather that broader range of social value.

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task response
You answer the question and give a clear view: you do not agree that a small money gap is the main way to make people happy. Keep this view clear in every part.
task response
Explain your first main point more fully. You say that cutting the gap is hard, but also explain why this means it may not make people happier.
task response
Your second point is useful: happiness is about more than money. Give one clear real-life example, such as safe homes, good schools, free time, or health care.
task response
Add a short ending that repeats your main view and sums up your two reasons. This will make your answer feel complete.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple plan: introduction, first reason, second reason, and conclusion. Your essay has the first three parts, but it needs a clear final paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea. For example: “First, a small income gap is not always possible or most important.” Then explain it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because there are many ideas in one sentence. Use shorter sentences and link them with simple words such as “because”, “however”, “for example”, and “therefore”.
coherence and cohesion
Use the same words for key ideas. Choose “income gap” or “wealth gap” and use it often, rather than changing to “reducing income” or “minizing the income”.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between ideas clearer. For example, after talking about government needs, say directly that jobs, health care, and schools may help people more than making all incomes closer.
task response
You take a clear position from the start and stay with it.
task response
You give two main reasons: the limits of income change and the fact that happiness has many parts.
coherence and cohesion
The essay uses clear paragraph breaks and simple signposts such as “First”, “Second”, and “Therefore”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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