IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Today, many people use the internet and smartphones to transfer money to friends, family, and businesses. Do you think it is a negative or positive development?

#people #internet #smartphones #transfer #money #friends #businesses #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, a lot of
people
Use synonyms
 use the Internet and smartphones to transfer
money
Use synonyms
 to their friends, families, and business partners. I personally believe
that is
Linking Words
 it a positive development because it allows
people
Use synonyms
 to send
money
Use synonyms
 just with a
click
Use synonyms
, and the receiver can receive
money
Use synonyms
 with a
second,
Linking Words
and it ensures their safety. Online banking helps individuals to send
money
Use synonyms
 with a single
click
Use synonyms
 on their phones. The senders do not need to go to the bank to send
money
Use synonyms
.
Instead
Linking Words
, they can send
money
Use synonyms
 with a
click
Use synonyms
 on their phones, which saves
their
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 valuable time and energy. A lot of
people
Use synonyms
 send
money
Use synonyms
 to their friends in
this
Linking Words
 way because it is the most convenient way of sending
money
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, many
people
Use synonyms
 in Bangladesh say that they prefer sending
money
Use synonyms
 through a mobile banking app because it saves
their
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 time.
Moreover
Linking Words
, senders
also
Linking Words
 receive
money
Use synonyms
 within a second if
money
Use synonyms
 is sent through a mobile app. They do not need to go to the bank to receive
money
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, carrying a huge amount of
money
Use synonyms
 is sometimes risky. Sending
money
Use synonyms
 through the Internet ensures the safety of
people
Use synonyms
 because they do not have to carry
those
Correct determiner usage
that
show examples
 cash from the bank to their homes.
For example
Linking Words
, many Bangladeshi citizens have revealed that they always have the fear of carrying
money
Use synonyms
 because there is a fear of being hijacked by hijackers. In conclusion, I personally believe that sending
money
Use synonyms
 through the Internet and phones is a positive development because it saves
people
Use synonyms
 from danger, and
people
Use synonyms
 can send and receive
money
Use synonyms
 with a single
click
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
To further enhance coherence, use transitional phrases to smoothly guide the reader from one point to the next. Currently, the essay flows well, but using more connectors can improve the logical structure.
task achievement
Providing a broader range of examples or expanding on the existing examples can add depth to your argument. This would help in demonstrating a more comprehensive understanding of the task.
task achievement
Try to elaborate more on the implications of online money transfer beyond safety and convenience, like its impact on economic growth or how it changes traditional banking behavior.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task effectively by outlining the positive aspects of online money transfers, emphasizing convenience and safety.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly states the main argument, and the conclusion effectively summarizes the key points discussed.
task achievement
Examples provided are relevant and support the main points, enhancing the task response.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: