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Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Children should be required to follow strict rules set by their parents. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. Do not use memorized examples.

3.5 / 9
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Introduction
There is on going debate about
children
Use synonyms
, whether
rules
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 should be
uphold
Wrong verb form
upheld
show examples
 in their household. I believe having
rules
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 helps to a certain extent.
This
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 essay will explain why.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with,
rules
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 are the driving force behind
descipline
Correct your spelling
discipline
.
i
Capitalize the word
I
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 believe having
rules
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 in a household is an effective way to educate
children
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 a descipline and about obout outside
wold
Correct your spelling
world
.
Consequently
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,
this
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 will allow them to gain valabule lesson, which can enhance their professional development. For
exmple
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example
,
children
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 who are raised with descipline, they are often tend to be respected by their communities and peers.
Furthermore
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, growing up with strict
rules
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 will teach
children
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 that every bad decision
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 consequences.
This
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 lesson will help in the future,
as a result
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, they may pursue their aspiration and take
further
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risk
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risks
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.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, sometimes some parents
abouse
Verb problem
abuse
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 their
auterity
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authority
, harm their kids.
This
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repetative
Use the right word
repetitive
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 abuse will soon turn to feeling failure, in the case of failure,
this
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 may lead to disappointment, frustration and lack of creativity, which
further
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contributed
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contributes
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 to
decline
Add an article
a decline
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 in efficiency.
For instance
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, a lot of drug cases are related to abuse from caretaker, which is
dishearting, and
Correct word order
disheartening, and is
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 caused by strict
rules
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.
Thus
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,
can
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it can
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 be avoided by providing madatory monitor by officials.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 there are valid argument in both sides,
i
Fix capitalization
I
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 believe having
rule
Add an article
a rule
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 is more advantageous.
This
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 is mainly because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
rules
Use synonyms
 can help
children
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 be
desciplined
Correct your spelling
disciplined
 and
teaches
Wrong verb form
teach
show examples
 them a valuable
leason
Correct your spelling
lesson
 about consequences.

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Task response
State your view more clearly at the start. You partly agree, but the question asks if children should be required to follow strict rules. Say that rules are helpful, but they should be fair and not too strict.
Task response
Develop each main idea with a clear reason and a full example. In the first body paragraph, explain how one home rule, such as doing homework before games, can help a child at school and later at work.
Task response
Be careful with the drug example. The link between strict rules and drug use is not clearly shown. Use a more direct example, such as a child who is afraid to speak because parents punish every small mistake.
Task response
Explain your second point more fully. Show why harsh rules can harm a child, then say what parents should do instead, such as explain rules, listen to the child, and use fair results for bad actions.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear opening, two body parts, and an ending. Make the link between the two body parts clearer: rules can help, but very strict rules can hurt.
Coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. The first paragraph should stay on discipline and life skills. The second should stay on the harm of harsh control.
Coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words in a natural way: “For example,” “As a result,” “However,” and “Therefore.” Do not put too many result words in one sentence.
Coherence and cohesion
Make sure each sentence is complete and easy to follow. For example, change “Thus, can be avoided by providing madatory monitor by officials” to “Parents can avoid this by setting fair rules and asking for help when needed.”
Task response
You answer both sides of the issue and give a clear final view that rules can be useful.
Task response
You choose relevant main ideas: rules can teach discipline, while harsh control can harm children.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay uses a clear basic plan with an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Coherence and cohesion
You use helpful linking words, such as “To begin with,” “For example,” “However,” and “In conclusion.”
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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