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Band 4.5

It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? What sort of punishments should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behaviours to children?

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
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Introduction
There are many crime trend to young people in recent years.
Thus
Linking Words
, it is a core view that people need to think deeply about
is it
Correct word order
whether it is
show examples
 necessary to
be
Wrong verb form
punish
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punishments
Use synonyms
 when
children
Use synonyms
 learn the difference between correct and incorrect things. I do not
strong
Rephrase
strongly
show examples
 agree
to
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 parents and teachers
use
Verb problem
should use
show examples
 punishment to
guild
Use the right word
guide
show examples
 youngsters to learn what is
right
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 and wrong. I will
explaned
Wrong verb form
explain
show examples
 my point of view and
reason
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 to
disscuse
Correct your spelling
discuss
this
Linking Words
 topic below.
Body paragraph 1
Punishments
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 are quick methods that
children
Use synonyms
 can understand
if
Correct word choice
that if
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 they
make
Verb problem
exhibit
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 incorrect
behaviours
Check wording
behaviour
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, they will suffer
them
Correct pronoun usage
consequences
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.
However
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,
surrfing
Correct your spelling
surfing
 can not teach
children
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 why they do incorrect.
For example
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, youngsters may not understand why they need to pay to store when they
wants
Correct subject-verb agreement
want
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 stuff. In
this
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 case, parents can ask their
children
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be
Verb problem
to be
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 a volunteer in the store to learn the
reason
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 and create their
responsiability
Correct your spelling
responsibility
.
Children
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 can
awake
Verb problem
awaken
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 their past
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 is
worng
Correct your spelling
wrong
 and may cause servious problem to store. They will
more
Verb problem
become more
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 awake what different between
right
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 and wrong.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
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,
children
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 may make a joke to other classmates in school.
Teacher
Add an article
A teacher
show examples
 can play vedio or act
a
Verb problem
out a
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show
Punctuation problem
show,
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 let
children
Use synonyms
 experience the suffering
that
Punctuation problem
, that
show examples
 they awake some behaviors are unpleasure and build their empathy. When people who in early age understand the
reason
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 why some
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 are wrong, they will correct themselves and do the
right
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 one to others.
Conclusion
To sum up
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, I understand
punishments
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 a way to stop
children
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do
Change preposition
from doing
show examples
 wrong behaviors but it is not really
way
Add an article
a way
show examples
let
Verb problem
to let
show examples
children
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to
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
learn the
reason
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 and outcome when they do
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
wrong things. I believe using personal experiences are better way to learn the difference between
right
Use synonyms
 and wrong than
punishments
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. State your view clearly: children should learn right and wrong early, but harsh punishment is not the best way. Then say which kinds of action adults may use and which kinds they must not use.
task response
Your main idea is good: children need to know why an act is wrong. Develop it with clearer results. For example, say that helping at a shop can teach a child about work, money, and the harm caused by taking things.
task response
Give a direct list of fair actions: a calm talk, saying sorry, fixing the harm, loss of a small right, or extra helpful work. Also say that hitting, shouting, and cruel acts should not be used.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer plan: first paragraph for your view, one body paragraph about why punishment alone does not work, one body paragraph about fair ways to teach good acts, and a final paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph start with one clear main idea. The first body paragraph is about why punishment is not enough. The second should focus on school and home actions that help children learn.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple links more carefully: “For example”, “As a result”, “However”, and “In the end”. Do not repeat “awake”; use “understand”, “learn”, or “see” instead.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the word order is not clear. Write shorter sentences. For example: “Punishment may stop bad acts quickly. However, it does not always help children understand why the act is wrong.”
task response
You give a clear main view: children learn better when they understand why an act is wrong.
task response
The shop example and the school example are related to the topic and help show your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an opening, two main parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful link words, such as “However”, “For example”, “Secondly”, and “To sum up”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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