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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that professionals, such as doctors and engineers, should be required to work in the country where they did their training. Others believe they should be free to work in another country if they wish. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
Skilled professionals
such
Linking Words
 as engineers and doctors play an important role in developing society. Some individuals argue that maestro better
to
Change preposition
for maestros to
show examples
 do their job in their respective
countries
Use synonyms
 where they studied.
However
Linking Words
,
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 believe
its
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
they have
freedom
Add an article
the freedom
show examples
 to work abroad.
This
Linking Words
 essay will talk about both perspectives, and
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 believe workers can choose their own
place
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
On the one
hand
Use synonyms
, the advantage of
master
Add an article
a master
show examples
 doing job in a region where they learnt
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 learner will know the system better. The knowledge they gain during their training aligns with the environment. To illustrate that, states with
tropical
Add an article
a tropical
show examples
 climate are different
with
Change preposition
from
show examples
countries
Use synonyms
 that have four seasons.
As a result
Linking Words
, the citizen for each
country
Use synonyms
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 different immune systems. If the heavy rain comes, individuals
live
Wrong verb form
living
show examples
 in
Use synonyms
place
Check wording
places
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 with snow
more
Verb problem
are more
show examples
 likely to be resistant because they often have a lower temperature. Meanwhile,
human
Check wording
humans
show examples
 in tropics land do not usually experience cold weather.
Consequently
Linking Words
, their body will react to
shows
Wrong verb form
show
show examples
 the sudden difference
condition
Change preposition
in condition
show examples
 by
feel
Wrong verb form
feeling
show examples
 sick,
such
Linking Words
 as fever or headaches.
However
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, in my opinion, many
countries
Use synonyms
 provide an additional equivalent class if
worker
Check wording
workers
show examples
 want to move from one
country
Use synonyms
 to
other
Correct determiner usage
another
show examples
, and it will prevent
inequality
Replace the word
unequal
 skills.
Body paragraph 2
On the other
Linking Words
hand
Use synonyms
, working abroad will broaden their perspective.
Professional
Check wording
Professionals
show examples
 can gain new knowledge and experience
that is
Linking Words
 more valuable because in
Use synonyms
country
Add an article
a country
show examples
 where
they
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 studies are limited.
For instance
Linking Words
, other
countries
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as
china
Capitalize the proper name
China
show examples
 and japan are having a better technology. In health care
Linking Words
for
Punctuation problem
, for
show examples
 instance, they have a system that can insert a ring
to
Change preposition
into
show examples
 someone’s heart through
Use synonyms
hand
Add an article
the hand
show examples
. So doctors
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
show examples
 not have to do surgery and touch the heart by
hand
Use synonyms
. The doctor
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 to observe the ring from a large screen to detect the process until the ring
arrive
Correct subject-verb agreement
arrives
show examples
 at
Use synonyms
place
Add an article
the place
show examples
 that they want.
This
Linking Words
 technology may not
available
Verb problem
be available
show examples
 in some
countries
Use synonyms
, so master that want to learn the use of the technology have to work abroad.
Conclusion
In conclusion, working abroad can help professionals to step out
from the
Change preposition
of their
show examples
 limited knowledge and
increase
Verb problem
gain
show examples
 new experiences. On the other side, they have to put more effort
by
Change preposition
into
show examples
 doing
qualifications
Add an article
a qualifications
show examples
 assessment to meet the requirements of their
country
Use synonyms
 destination. Despite
this
Linking Words
 challenge, I am convinced professionals should choose their own
place
Use synonyms
 to work.

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Task response
You answer both sides and give your own view. Make your first main point more direct: say clearly why trained workers should stay, such as helping people in places with too few doctors or engineers.
Task response
Some ideas are not fully clear or do not strongly prove your point. The weather and body example is long and hard to link to where doctors should work. Use a simpler example about local health needs, local rules, or public money used for training.
Task response
Your second main point is clear: work in other countries can help people learn new ways and new tools. Explain how they can later use this learning to help people, either abroad or when they go home.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: opening, one side, the other side, and ending. Keep this shape, but begin each body part with one short and clear main idea.
Coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long, so the meaning becomes hard to follow. Use shorter sentences. For example, give the point first, then one example, then explain why the example matters.
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as 'however', 'as a result', and 'consequently' should show a clear link. In the first body part, the move from weather to worker training is not clear enough.
Coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for the main group. Use 'professionals', 'doctors and engineers', or 'trained workers'. Do not switch to 'maestro', 'master', 'learner', or 'human', as this can confuse the reader.
Task response
You discuss both views and state a clear personal view that professionals should be free to choose where they work.
Task response
The example of heart care shows an effort to use a real and relevant case for learning new skills abroad.
Coherence and cohesion
The introduction tells the reader what the essay will do, and the ending returns to your main view.
Coherence and cohesion
You use paragraph breaks and signposts such as 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand', which help the reader follow your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • professionals
  • doctors
  • engineers
  • required
  • training
  • home country
  • cultural
  • linguistic
  • advantages
  • economic impact
  • free
  • another country
  • globalization
  • international collaboration
  • improving
  • skills
  • knowledge
  • experience
  • opinion
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