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Writing Samples
Band 7

Film stars and music celebrities may earn a great deal of money and live in luxurious surroundings, but many of them lead unhappy lives. Do you agree? To what extent is this the price they pay for being famous?

7.0 / 9
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Introduction
More and more people think that famous individuals like actors are depressed,
although
Linking Words
 they have a lot of money, and
this
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 could be the cost of being a well-known person. From my perspective, the lack of private activities is the main factor.
Body paragraph 1
First of all, I would argue that well-known people who have a great deal of money without spending it on entertainment can affect their lives in a negative way. The argument is that many of them do not prefer to do
this
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 in order not to meet many
fans
Use synonyms
 in public places.
This
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 phenomenon results in an increase in their isolation from society, ultimately leading to a deterioration in their quality of life. A study conducted by the Department of Social Sciences at Melbourne University in 2025 concluded that 65% of famous actors in Australia were isolated for around 3 years because of annoying practices by their
fans
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
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, the quality of life will get worse
due to
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 the presence of
this
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 phenomenon.
Body paragraph 2
In addition
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, I am convinced that being a well-known individual can negatively influence one's
privacy
Use synonyms
. What I mean is that any famous film will spread among its
fans
Use synonyms
, and they will follow the actors.
This
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 process will increase the number of followers, which in trun weaken the
privacy
Use synonyms
.
For instance
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, a well-known actress who had a superhero role in the Marvel series cannot go to public places because of the existence of their
fans
Use synonyms
.
As a result
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, the level of
privacy
Use synonyms
 is likely to deteriorate if that phenomenon is not taken into account.
Conclusion
In conclusion, a lot of people believe some famous individuals are unhappy
due to
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 a reduction in their
privacy
Use synonyms
 level.

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task response
State your full view more clearly in the first part. Say if you agree fully or only in part, and explain how fame can be the price for an unhappy life.
task response
Answer both parts of the question. You write about less privacy, but also explain if this is a fair or common price of fame, and note that money does not always cause unhappiness.
task response
Develop each main idea with a clear chain: fame brings fans, fans may follow stars, stars lose free time and privacy, and this may make them feel alone.
task response
Use examples that fit the point and are easy to trust. The study about Melbourne may seem made up. A general real-life example is safer unless you know the source.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. Make the end stronger by restating your view and answering the full question.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each body part. The first body part moves from money to fun, fans, and being alone. Make the link between these ideas clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words with care: First, Also, For example, As a result, and In the end. Do not repeat "this phenomenon" too often; use "this problem" or name the idea again.
coherence and cohesion
Check word links and small errors that make the meaning less clear, such as "in trun weaken" and "their fans" when you mean the fans of one actress.
task response
You give a clear main idea: famous people may be unhappy because they have little privacy.
task response
You include two useful reasons: less time in public and fans who follow stars.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an opening, two main body parts, and a closing.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful link words, such as "First of all", "In addition", "For instance", and "As a result".
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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