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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Globalisation means that people around the world increasingly share the same culture, products and entertainment. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this development?

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Introduction
Nowadays, it is normal
people
Change preposition
for people
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at
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on
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 the two different continents using same kind of products,
this
Linking Words
phenomenons
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phenomenon
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 is because of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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globalisation. In
this
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essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I am going to discuss the
benifts
Correct your spelling
benefits
 and the drawbacks of
this
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 development.
Body paragraph 1
The most obvious benefit of globalisation is costumers have more choice and purchase pruducts with lower price
,
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. For
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for example
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, people who
are living
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live
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 in
the
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apply
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developed
region
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regions
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 with high
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cost
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costs
show examples
 of human
resouce
Correct your spelling
resources
 can purchase
the
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apply
show examples
products
with
Change preposition
at a
show examples
 lower price because of the lower
cost
Use synonyms
 to manufacture in other
countries
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. Meanwhile, it is an
oppotunity
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opportunity
 for
companies
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 which manufacturer the goods at lower human resource
cost
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 nations to export goods to other
countries
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 and
expend
Verb problem
expand
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 the market; with more
costumers
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customers
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,
companies
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 earn more profit than before.
Moreover
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, those
companies
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 need to hire more workers to work in the factories, which
bring
Correct subject-verb agreement
brings
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 more capital and job opportunities to those
low
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low-cost
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 human
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cost
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apply
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regions.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, there are
also
Linking Words
 many drawbacks
,
Punctuation problem
. Firstly
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firstly
Linking Words
, local manufacturers in the developed
countries
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 need to move to those lower
cost
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countries
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 to stay competible
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otherwise
Punctuation problem
otherwise,
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 they might have to close or downsize because of the
selling decrease
Correct word order
decrease in sales
show examples
;
this
Linking Words
 might lead to the rise of the unemployment rate.
Second,
Linking Words
most
of
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apply
show examples
countries
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 with low human resouce
cost
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 are usually
having
Wrong verb form
have
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 bad regulation at labor right; it's well known that many
interantional
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international
 enterprises treat those
labors
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labourers
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 with long working
time
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hours
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 and low payment.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 globalisation brings a lot of benefits to the
costumers
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customers
show examples
 and
companies
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, it
Linking Words
also can
Correct word order
can also
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 bring many problems to local manufacturers or society.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question: you give good points and bad points. Your main ideas are clear, but some need more detail. For example, explain more fully how work may be lost in rich countries, and how this can affect people and towns.
task response
Use more clear and real examples. Your example about low-cost goods is useful, but it can be more exact. You could name clothes, phones, or food, and show how lower costs help buyers.
task response
Keep the focus on culture, products, and entertainment from the question. Most of your essay is about products and jobs. Add one short point about culture or entertainment, such as people watching the same films or local art becoming less common.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, good points, bad points, and conclusion. Keep one main idea in each paragraph, and make the link between each idea more clear.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as “for example”, “meanwhile”, “moreover”, “however”, “firstly”, and “in conclusion” help the reader. Add simple links that show cause and result, such as “because of this”, “as a result”, and “this means that”.
coherence and cohesion
Some long sentences hold too many ideas. Break them into two or three short sentences. This will make your meaning easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Check key word forms and spelling, as these can make links less clear. For example: “customers”, “products”, “benefits”, “phenomenon”, “competitive”, “expand”, and “labour rights”.
task response
You give a balanced answer by discussing both good and bad sides of globalisation.
task response
Your points about lower prices, more jobs in some countries, and poor work conditions are relevant and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction tells the reader what the essay will discuss, and the conclusion brings the main message together.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraphing and basic linking words well enough for the reader to follow your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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