IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people say that the main of advertising is to improve the sales of products that people do not really need. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
A number of individuals argue that the main purpose of advertising is to increase sales of goods regardless of the consumers' real needs. I strongly agree that the primary goal of most modern advertising is to boost sales of
Use synonyms
items
Punctuation problem
items,
show examples
 even if they may be unnecessary.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, many advertisements focus on creating a persuasive need rather than promoting useful products. Through creative messaging, emotional appeal and celebrities, companies are promoting luxury
items
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 as if they were vital to human life. Even though these expensive fashion
items
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 are often not necessary,
people
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 can function perfectly well without them.
For example
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, the Apple company annually release a new smartphone with minor improvements over previous models.
As a result
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 of effective advertising ,
people
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 are eager to spend a fortune to get the latest iPhone. Modern advertisings are making
people
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 purchase
items
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 they don’t even need.
Body paragraph 2
Moreover
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, advertising may have a detrimental effect on
people
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’s mental health and undermine their confidence. Social media platforms,
for instance
Linking Words
, may encourage
people
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 to buy diet pills, anti-ageing cream or expensive clothing to look more attractive and successful. Being constantly surrounded by
such
Linking Words
 things often triggers and undermines social equality, causing individuals to spend more money on things that usually do not have long-term value.
Body paragraph 3
However
Linking Words
, not all advertising is misleading. Some companies promote public services, health products, or environmentally friendly goods. But unfortunately, these tend to be exceptions rather than the norm in our modern industry larger
driven
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and driven
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 by profit.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 the advertising can serve a beneficial purpose for society, I believe that its main function today is to increase sales of non-essential goods. Influencing
people
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’s emotions and insecurities, many companies convince
people
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 to buy things they do not truly need.

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task response
Your view is clear from the start and stays the same. To make it stronger, explain more fully why making a new need is the main aim of ads, not just one aim. You could also say more about why the good ads you mention are less common.
task response
Your Apple example fits your main point well. Make it more exact: say that many users already have a phone that works well, so a small change does not always make a new phone needed.
task response
The second main point is useful, but it moves from sales to mental health. Link it more clearly to the question by saying that ads use fear about looks or social place to make people buy more.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear plan: opening, two main parts, a short other view, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make the link between the two main parts clearer with a sentence that shows both are ways ads raise sales.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. For example, in the second main part, explain what “such things” means. Use a clear noun, such as “ads for beauty and fashion goods,” so the reader can follow your meaning easily.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long or have unclear meaning. For example, “Being constantly surrounded by such things often triggers and undermines social equality” is hard to follow. Split it into two short sentences and state the cause and result directly.
task response
You answer the question directly and give a strong, clear view. You also include an other view before saying why it does not change your main idea.
task response
Your example of new iPhones is relevant and easy to understand. It helps show how ads can make people want goods that are not needed.
coherence and cohesion
Each main part has one clear idea, and the ending returns to your main view. This makes the whole essay easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
You use useful signposts such as “To begin with,” “Moreover,” “However,” and “In conclusion.” These help the reader see the path of your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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