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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that children should start school sooner while others believe ‎they should not start it before seven. Discuss both views, and give your own ‎opinion

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Introduction
Two groups of people have different views about the
age
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in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 which kids participate in
schools
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. First group say that it should be sooner
,
Add a semicolon
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
, the other one
think
Correct subject-verb agreement
thinks
show examples
 that
children
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 are not supposed to start
this
Linking Words
 before the
age
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 of
seven
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. I support the former view when
children
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 can be born with cognitive
problems
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 that affect their understanding, so for these kids enter
school
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 from the
age
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 of
seven
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 is beneficial for them.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
children
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 may be more likely to face
problems
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 with their
Use synonyms
school
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schoolmates
mates
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,
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apply
show examples
 if they enter
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schools
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school
show examples
 later
from
Correct word choice
than
show examples
 the usual
age
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. Oftentimes, parents may delay their
children
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 from entering
schools
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 for
few
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a few
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 years later than the typical
age
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.
After
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this
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, they can grow up and be taller than other
children
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 who are younger than them. After entering a
school
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,
this
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 may be more likely to
arise
Verb problem
cause
show examples
 a problem
to
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for
show examples
 them.
For example
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,
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school
Correct your spelling
schoolmates
mates
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 might not understand the
age
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differance
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difference
,
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apply
show examples
 if those
children
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 looked taller or different. So, those
children
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 might be
builled
Correct your spelling
bullied
 by their classroom
mates
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.
As a result
Linking Words
,
this
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 can affect their
self esteem
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self-esteem
 negatively or
feel
Verb problem
make them feel
show examples
 that they are different from other
mates
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 in a negative way. As a solution for
this
Linking Words
, parents can make their
children
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 enter
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schools
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school
show examples
 at the usual
age
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.
Then
Linking Words
, they might be more likely
as
Verb problem
to be
show examples
 tall and look as other who are
at
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apply
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the same
age
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like
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as
show examples
 them.
Then
Linking Words
, they might not feel they are different
than
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from
show examples
 other
mates
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
preparation
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a preparation
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 period for few years may help
children
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 who are born with cognitive
problems
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 to do well at the
schools
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.
Children
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sometimes can
Correct word order
can sometimes
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 be born with cognitive
problems
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,
Linking Words
this
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which
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 is likely because of genes.
Then
Linking Words
, if one of those kids entered
school
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 at the usual
age
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, he might not understand as
normal
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normally
 as
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 without these
problems
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.
Additionally
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,
this
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 might make them feel bad about themselves, if
school
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teachers
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 and
friend
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friends
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 did not know about their
problems
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 beforehand.
This
Linking Words
 is because,
for example
Linking Words
, their
teachers
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 may shout at them, because they gradually do not understand or make mistakes. So, those
children
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 may be better if they take a preparation period to learn and understand
basics
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the basics
show examples
 of every
school
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subjects in their homes
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subject at home
show examples
.
This
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 can be with
teachers
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 who know about their
problems
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 to prepare them well to enter a
school
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 afterwards.
This
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 can be at the
age
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 of
seven
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 to ensure they are good.
As a result
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, they may not face any
problems
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 when the time they enter
schools
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.
Conclusion
In
concluson
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conclusion
,
although
Linking Words
children
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 may look different
than other
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from others
show examples
 who are younger than them,
so
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it is good for
those
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 to enter
schools
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 as soon as possible to not be
builled
Correct your spelling
bullied
. But, for me, there are
children
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 with cognitive
problems
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 are good for them to enter
school
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 at
Use synonyms
age
Add an article
the age
show examples
 of
seven
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 after a preparation period.
This
Linking Words
 can prepare them to understand
teachers
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' teaching at
schools
Use synonyms
at the time of
Change preposition
upon
show examples
 entering.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view. This is good. However, the first side is not fully clear: it talks about children who start later than the usual age, not clearly about why all children should start school sooner.
task response
Make your main view clear in the first paragraph. Say that most children should start at the usual early age, but some children with special learning needs may need more time before school.
task response
Give more direct reasons for each side. For early school, write about learning, making friends, and daily habits. For starting at seven, write about play, family time, and being ready to learn.
task response
Your example about bullying is possible, but it is too general and takes up too much space. Use a short, clear example that directly shows your point.
task response
Be careful with the idea that children with cognitive problems should stay at home until seven. Explain that help at school, trained teachers, and special support may also help them.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, one side, other side, and ending. Keep this plan, but make the link between each paragraph clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one simple main idea. For example: “Starting school early can help children fit in with others.” Then explain this idea and give one short example.
coherence and cohesion
Do not repeat the same point many times. In the first body paragraph, ideas about being taller, looking different, and feeling different repeat. State the point once, then develop it.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words in a careful way: “On the one hand”, “For example”, “As a result”, and “However”. Avoid using “Then” again and again.
coherence and cohesion
Make the ending shorter and clearer. Restate both sides in one or two lines, then give your final view in one direct sentence.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you discuss both views and state your own opinion.
task response
You try to explain why some children may need more time before school, rather than only giving a short opinion.
coherence and cohesion
The use of “On the one hand” and “On the other hand” helps the reader see the two different views.
coherence and cohesion
You include an opening and an ending, so the reader can follow the main direction of your essay.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Early education
  • Foundational skills
  • Cognitive abilities
  • Discipline and routine
  • Emotional intelligence
  • Developmental pace
  • Unstructured play
  • Competitive advantage
  • Academic exposure
  • Educational systems
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