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Writing Samples
Band 6

Many people use mobile phones for several hours every day. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this habit?

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Introduction
Nowadays, a new topic has arisen in our society
:
Punctuation problem
:
show examples
 many people use mobile phones for several
hours
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 every day. I believe that the
advantages
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, including fast service, minimise time consumption and save
it
Correct pronoun usage
time
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 for other duties.
However
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, the disadvantages include eye infections and irritation.
Overall
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, the
advantages
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 outweigh the disadvantages.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, you can manage using a mobile
phone
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 for several
hours
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 by wearing blue-light-blocking glasses to reduce the effects or by using a larger screen. The general
advantages
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 of using a mobile
phone
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 for several
hours
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 include quickly accessing necessary information, easily staying in touch with others for different purposes, and finding solutions to argumentative topics.
For example
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,
last
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 week, I did research. So, I did many surveys about eating habits to find
this
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 information in a short period of time.
Therefore
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, managing side effects is the key to keeping your vital organs alive.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, using a mobile
phone
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 for several
hours
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 without restriction could affect your
eyes
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.
In other words
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, it could cause red
eyes
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 and reduced eyesight.
For example
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, when I was a child, I used to use a mobile
phone
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 for several
hours
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, and that led to my
eyes
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 having minus one in each eye.
As a result
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, you should balance your screen time to give your
eyes
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 some rest.
Conclusion
In conclusion, we need to manage the
advantages
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 of using mobile phones in a way that keeps our
eyes
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 safe, and we need to address the disadvantages with rules to reduce them.
Therefore
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, I believe that using mobile phones is the best way to progress and look advanced.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more direct way. Give clear good points and bad points of phone use. Then say why one side is stronger.
task response
Keep each main point on the topic. The part about blue-light glasses and a larger screen is about how to cut harm, not an advantage of phone use.
task response
Explain your good points more. For example, say how phones help people work, study, talk to family, or get help fast.
task response
Use more full examples. Your survey example is useful, but say what you learned and how the phone made the work faster.
task response
Be careful with health claims. Say that long screen time may cause dry or tired eyes, rather than saying it causes eye infections.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. Make the first body part only about advantages and the second only about disadvantages.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic sentences. For example: 'One main advantage is that mobile phones save time.' Then give one or two linked ideas and an example.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as 'First', 'Also', 'For example', 'However', and 'As a result'. Do not use 'Therefore' when the next idea does not come from the one before it.
coherence and cohesion
Make the end match your main view. If you say the good points are stronger, clearly say this again and give one short reason.
task response
You give both good and bad sides of using phones, and you state your own view.
task response
You use personal examples, which helps make your ideas more real.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, two main parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as 'On the one hand', 'On the other hand', and 'For example'.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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