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Writing Samples
Band 6

It is important for everyone, including young people, to save money for their future. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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Introduction
It is often believed that saving
money
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 for the
future
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 is something that everyone, including young adults, should do. I agree with the sentiment, since the savings can provide financial security in an
emergency
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 or could be an investment for the
future
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.
Body paragraph 1
Life is full of sudden emergencies that appear out of nowhere
and
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, and
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 having some
money
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 saved up can come in handy. Both
people
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 supporting a family and young individuals can face a variety of unexpected situations where they might need more
money
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 than they have readily available.
Such
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 circumstances make
people
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 regret spending their
money
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 carelessly
instead
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 of saving. A sudden health problem could be one of the most primary examples.
In other words
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, a family member might suddenly be in need of
emergency
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 medical treatment that their insurance does not cover. Having some
money
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 set aside would be a solution to
such
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 a problem.
Body paragraph 2
Along with
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emergency
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 situations, a large amount of
money
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 would
also
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 be saved up for a planned expense in the
future
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. The consideration of
future
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 expenses
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as education or a business
investment
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investment,
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 would encourage
people
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 to start saving well in advance.
For instance
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, a couple with two young children would put about five or ten
percent
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per cent
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 of their monthly income aside until their children graduate from high school. By that time, they could end up with some
money
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 to help cover their university
tuitions
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tuition
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 fees. Another example is a young adult who regularly saves part of their salary to start a business, which could eventually generate additional income.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I believe everyone, including young
people
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, needs to think about the
future
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while
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 spending
money
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.
Therefore
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, they would not end up in debt if an
emergency
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 arises or give up on their dreams
due to
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the
Correct article usage
a
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 lack of cash.

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task response
Your view is clear from the start, and you give two good reasons: help in an emergency and help with later plans. To make the answer even stronger, say a little more about why young people may find saving hard, such as low pay or study costs, and then show why saving a small amount can still help.
task response
Your examples fit the main ideas well. Make them more exact and natural. For example, say that parents may save for their children’s university fees, or that a young worker may save to open a small business.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part plan: opening, two main parts, and ending. Each main part has one main idea. Keep this strong order in future writing.
coherence and cohesion
Links such as “For instance”, “In other words”, and “Therefore” help the reader. However, “Along with emergency situations” is not very natural here. Try “As well as saving for emergencies” or “Saving is also useful for future plans.”
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences can be shorter and more direct. For example, change “A large amount of money would also be saved up for a planned expense” to “People can also save for planned costs.” This makes the flow clearer.
task response
You answer all parts of the question and clearly state that you agree. Your reasons stay on the same topic throughout the essay.
task response
The emergency medical care example and the examples of university costs and a new business make your ideas easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Your opening gives a clear plan for the essay, and your ending brings the two main ideas together well.
coherence and cohesion
The two body parts are easy to follow because each starts with a clear main point and then gives support.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial security
  • safety net
  • unforeseen circumstances
  • emergencies
  • future investments
  • retirement planning
  • financial discipline
  • habit of saving
  • amassing wealth
  • substantial fund
  • opportunity cost
  • additional income
  • inflation
  • purchasing power
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