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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Nowadays, children watch a lot of TV and play video games. However, some think these activities are not beneficial for a child's mental health To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #tv #video #games #think #activities #child #health
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Technology has numerous benefits,
however
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, excessive use of it can lead to chronic health conditions, particularly in the younger generation.
Therefore
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, many people think that children should stay away from using these electronic gadgets,
moreover
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, I completely agree that the use of gadgets
such
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 as mobile phones, TVs and video games is harmful.
Firstly
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, frequent use of electronic items can lead to impaired social skills. To be more specific, a child would spend prolonged hours at home
while
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 playing online or watching television, hindering the ability of face-to-face interaction.
Secondly
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, excessive screen
time
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 could possibly result in mental disorders
such
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 as depression and anxiety. In fact, WHO has found a correlation between screen
time
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 and increasing depression.
Lastly
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, children tend to sit in one place for longer periods of
time
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while
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 watching or playing which promotes a sedentary lifestyle. There are numerous downsides to doing these activities,
however
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, there are benefits as well.
To begin
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 with, watching TV can foster creativity.
For example
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, educational programs and informative channels can broaden thinking and can lead to innovative ideas.
Additionally
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, it enhances skills
such
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 as multitasking and decision-making as one tends to make critical decisions
while
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 playing online. There are several games which has a
time
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 limit which demands the player to
take
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make
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 critical decisions at that point. In conclusion, the usage of electronic devices has disadvantages
such
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 as social isolation , mental issues and a sedentary lifestyle.
On the other hand
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, there are some advantages
such
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 as increased creativity, multitasking and decision-making skills. Parents and teachers should monitor and limit the activities for the child's well-being.
Submitted by nihalshetty384 on

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task achievement
Ensure that your ideas are fully developed in each paragraph without leaving any loose ends. For example, your second paragraph could benefit from further elaboration on how exactly screen time leads to sedentary behavior.
coherence cohesion
Work on transitioning smoothly between benefits and disadvantages. While the essay is relatively cohesive, a clearer transition could strengthen the flow.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, and both effectively encapsulate the main points of your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured, making it easy to follow your arguments.
task achievement
You provided relevant specific examples, such as the WHO study on screen time and depression and the time-limited games, to support your points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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