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Writing Samples
Band 7

Computers are being used more and more in education. Some people say that this is a positive trend, while others argue that it is leading to negative consequences. discuss both sides of the arguments and then give your own opinion.

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Introduction
In the modern era, it's undeniable that computers are used in a wide range of today's teaching systems. Some people believe that
this
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 can improve
students
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' knowledge,
while
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 other thinking about its negative effect on learners' minds. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both the views and give my opinion
at the end
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.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, many schoolchild use electronic devices in their daily life, which is a good source of knowledge.
In addition
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, schoolchildren can access the information anytime, and it can improve their critical thinking by using a computing
system
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 for their studies.
While
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 the traditional teaching
system
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 is limited to the classroom only, the computing-based
system
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 is available anytime and anywhere.
Also
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, it can improve pupils' grasping quality. It can not only educate
students
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 from a wide range of resources but
also
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 through its videos, which help them to learn quickly.
For example
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,
students
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 who learn from the computer in their daily life have a diverse area of vocabulary to access for their studies.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, there are so many person who think about the negative effect on their minds after using a desktop for a long time.
Due to
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 the increasing use of desktops in their education, many
students
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 feel distinct from other people.
Moreover
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, it can affect the socialisation ability and confidence of the learners. Many parents prefer the traditional coaching method, which can improve the face-to-face communication skills of their child.
For example
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, in South Korea,
students
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 have in-room conversation sessions to improve their bond with each other and problem-solving ability.
Conclusion
In a nutshell,
while
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 traditional method enhance their ability to connect with other people, information-based education systems educate them from wild range of resources. I strongly believe that computers are essential in the education
system
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, but you should put some limitations on accessing
this
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 everyday.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view. To make your answer stronger, explain each main idea more fully. For example, say how online videos help a child learn, and why too much computer time may harm real talks with other people.
task response
Your view is clear at the end, but make it more direct. Say that computers should be used in class with clear time limits and with group work. This gives a full answer to the question.
task response
Some examples are too general. Use one clear, real or likely case and explain its result. The South Korea example needs more detail about how the talks help students.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: opening, one side, the other side, and ending. Keep this plan, but make the first sentence of each body part state one main point more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Use links with care. You often use 'In addition', 'Moreover', and 'Also'. Try to show the exact link between ideas with words such as 'For this reason', 'However', and 'As a result'.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last part match your main view. Instead of only repeating both sides, clearly sum up why the good points are greater when computer use is controlled.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the words are not exact. For example, change 'other thinking' to 'others think', 'many schoolchild' to 'many schoolchildren', and 'wild range' to 'wide range'.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you present good points, bad points, and your own view.
task response
You include useful ideas such as easy access to information, video learning, and less face-to-face talk.
coherence and cohesion
The four-part essay plan is easy to see and helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
You use examples to support both sides, which helps make your points more real.
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