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Band 5

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
Home and
school
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 are the most important places that affect a
child
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’s
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behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
. Some people think that
school
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 is more important, and others believe that
parents
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 are responsible
about
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
Linking Words
. In my opinion, I think both
parents
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 and
school
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 are important.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, some people believe that
parents
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 are better
in
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at
show examples
 teaching
children
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 good
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behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
, because
parents
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 spend a lot of time with the
child
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 from an early age.
Also
Linking Words
, the
child
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 grows up in front of his
parents
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and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 no one knows him more than them.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
parents
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 can affect
on
Change preposition
their
show examples
child
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’s
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behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 by their
behavior
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 themselves, because
children
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 copy what they see.
For example
Linking Words
, if a
child
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 sees how his
parents
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 treat other people, he will copy it.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
parents
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 are the first responsible
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the
child
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, and it is their duty to raise him as
good
Rephrase
well
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 as
can
Correct pronoun usage
they can
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, others argue that the
school
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 is better
to
Correct word choice
suited to
show examples
 teach
children
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 good
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behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
. Because in
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school
Punctuation problem
school,
show examples
 the
child
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 will be with many other
children
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 with different backgrounds, and cooperation in group projects can teach the
child
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 many things.
Also
Linking Words
, the
child
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 is in a place that
full
Verb problem
is full
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 of other
children
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in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the same age
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 they affect each other, so if
school
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 can teach them how
treat
Verb problem
to treat
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 each other respectfully, the result will
affect in
Verb problem
have an impact on
show examples
 the future society.
For example
Linking Words
, if the
child
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 learned how to treat and respect someone from another background in
school
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, in the
future
Punctuation problem
future,
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 he will not struggle with
this
Linking Words
 in his job
Linking Words
for
Punctuation problem
, for
show examples
 example.
Conclusion
In conclusion, both
parents
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 and
school
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 are responsible for teaching the
child
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 to be a good member of society, and each one has
his
Fix the agreement mistake
its
show examples
 role.

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task response
You discuss both parents and schools, and you give your own view. To make your answer stronger, explain more clearly why both must work together. For example, parents can teach values at home, while schools can help children use these values with many different people.
task response
Your main ideas are clear, but some points need more detail. In the school paragraph, say how group work, rules, and teachers help children become good members of society.
task response
Your examples fit the topic. Make them more real and direct. For instance, a parent can show kindness to a neighbour, and a school can ask children from different homes to work on one task together.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: an opening, one paragraph for each view, and an ending. Keep this plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Do not begin too many sentences with “Also” or “Moreover”. You can use “For this reason”, “As a result”, and “In contrast” to show the link between ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Make each sentence easy to follow. For example, change “it is their duty to raise him as good as can” to “it is their duty to raise the child in the best way they can.”
coherence and cohesion
Use the same form when you speak about children. Instead of only “his parents” or “him”, use “their parents” and “them” when you mean children in general.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you present both views and state your own opinion.
task response
Your ideas are relevant. The points about parents as role models and schools as places for group work are useful.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has one clear focus, so the reader can follow your answer easily.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion clearly brings both sides together and matches your view.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
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