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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say that music is the good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree woth tis opinion?

5.5 / 9
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Introduction
Music
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 and melodies are very important ways to be revived, friendly and easy-going.
People
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 usually like to have a partner in wedding dances and parties
while
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 listening to specific songs. I strongly agree with
this
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 point that
people
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 get closer to each other
while
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 having a similar taste in beats.
Body paragraph 1
The first most argued statement is that, in concerts and event halls , a large number of
public
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people
show examples
 gather themselves for enjoying the
music
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. They share ideas with each other, and
such
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 platforms provide them opportunities to be familiar with one another.
Furthermore
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, the musicians
also
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 play a key role in maintaining a friendly environment in functions that contribute to making individuals comfortable in front of each other. Today, international
music
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 has become a trend and irrespective of country, language, culture and colour,
people
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 tend to make friends and enjoy the songs together.
For instance
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, Shakira is
the
Correct article usage
an
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 international star, and in her concerts population from different communities, races, and countries can be seen together in one glance.
Body paragraph 2
In addition
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, fandom for specific singers and bands
also
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 contributes to creating a sense of belonging among a large number of individuals without taking into account their ages and castes. In general, where there is similar interest and shared love,
automatically
Correct word order
people automatically
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people
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 get involved with each other more easily.
For instance
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, Taylor Swift's fans
extremely
Verb problem
are extremely
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 appreciate to be called Swifties. Ultimately, it gives the crowd the feeling of compassion and creates a soft corner in all members' hearts. So, we can say that
music
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 is one of the reasons why different
people
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 are getting closer.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I would like to state that there is no doubt of
people
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 being friends and followers of each other
while
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 listening to similar beats and rhythms,
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also
Punctuation problem
also,
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 it is so evident that
music
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 is breaking the barriers of borders, and making
people
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 more involved internationally.

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task response
You clearly agree with the view, and your two main ideas are on topic. To make your answer stronger, explain more clearly how music brings both different cultures and different age groups together. Most of your points focus on people from different countries, but the point about age needs more detail.
task response
Develop each main idea with a clear reason and result. For example, say that people at a concert may not share a language, but they can sing, dance, and feel happy together. This would show exactly why music can join people.
task response
Your examples of Shakira and Taylor Swift fit the topic. However, explain each example more fully. The Taylor Swift example shows a shared fan group, but it does not clearly show people of different ages or cultures.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, two body paragraphs, and conclusion. Keep this structure, but begin each body paragraph with one direct main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully and simply. Words such as "First", "Also", "For example", and "In conclusion" can help the reader follow your ideas. Avoid starting too many sentences with long phrases.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the word order is not clear. For example, change "a large number of public gather themselves for enjoying the music" to "large numbers of people gather to enjoy music." Shorter sentences will make your meaning clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between sentences more direct. After giving the concert example, state clearly that this shared event helps strangers speak to each other and feel part of one group.
task response
You give a clear opinion from the start and keep the same view throughout the essay.
task response
You use real examples of well-known singers to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is divided into clear paragraphs, and the conclusion returns to your main point.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, such as "Furthermore", "For instance", and "In conclusion".
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