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Band 7

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. what are the advantage and disadvantage of giving children this message.

In certain cultures, some children are taught that they can pursue anything if they
work
Use synonyms
 hard. The main advantage of
this
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 perspective is that they stay motivated and achieve their
goals
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, but the main drawback is that they may become depressed if they fail to reach their
goals
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. On the one hand, there is no doubt that hard
work
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 is the key to success. There are many benefits to
this
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 mindset.
Firstly
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, students always stay motivated and confident. If students compete with their friends, they stay always motivated and prepare well for their exams,
consequently
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 achieving good marks.
Secondly
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,
this
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 principle applies not only to academics but
also
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 to sports.
For example
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, in many countries, like Africa and India, parents often motivate their children to believe in themselves and strive to achieve their
goals
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.
However
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, there are some dark sides that cannot be denied.
On the other hand
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, the main drawback is depression or anxiety. If students do not get good results
instead
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 of hard
work
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.
Moreover
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, sometimes, parents may put high pressure on offspring to push forward specific
goals
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. Regarding
this
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 stress, they may encounter numerous mental issues like depression and tension.
Moreover
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, elders might inject fake hope into the young's minds when their
goals
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 are not practically achievable.
For example
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, many parents force their girls to become engineers in Iran and encourage them to try as much as possible.
While
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 most of the graduated girls with an engineering degree are not employed. In conclusion, hard
work
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 helps people stay motivated and succeed, but too much pressure may be
cause
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the cause
a cause
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 of depression or anxiety. It's important to support children
while
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 giving them the freedom to choose their own path so they can grow with confidence and reach their full potential.

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task achievement
Consider expanding on the advantages and disadvantages to provide more depth in your response. For instance, you could discuss additional positive aspects of a growth mindset like resilience or the ability to adapt to failure. Likewise, consider mentioning more specific examples of the negative impacts of unrealistic expectations.
coherence cohesion
Work on clearer transitions between your ideas to enhance the logical flow of your essay. For example, use phrases like 'Furthermore' or 'In addition' when introducing related points, and 'Conversely' or 'On the contrary' when presenting opposing viewpoints.
coherence cohesion
Your essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This organization helps the reader follow your argument easily.
task achievement
You've included relevant examples that illustrate your points, such as the illustrations about students in different countries which add real-world context to your argument.
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