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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays many people are choosing working from home while others argue that working in an office is better for people. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
The way
people
Use synonyms
 choose their working schedule is an important issue as it affects the quality of
work
Use synonyms
 they do. Some
people
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 believe that working from home is
best
Add an article
the best
show examples
way
Punctuation problem
way,
show examples
while
Linking Words
 another group of
people
Use synonyms
 argues that working in an office is more beneficial. In my view,
although
Linking Words
 both have certain advantages
remote
Punctuation problem
, remote
show examples
 working is
more
Add an article
a more
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 beneficial and practical option.
Body paragraph 1
Working in an office can provide
people
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 with
number
Add an article
a number
show examples
 of benefits
such
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 as
practicing
Change the spelling
practising
show examples
 a lot, broadening
horizon
Rephrase
their horizons
, sharing ideas and cultivating knowledge. When workers
work
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 together in a department or an
office
Punctuation problem
office,
show examples
 they can face their
collages
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colleagues
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 whenever they have problems related to their
work
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 or private
life
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. The collages, in turn, may share their experiences , give advice or even support if it is needed.
Therefore
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, working in
community
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the community
show examples
 can provide opportunities for employers.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, those in
favor
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favour
show examples
 of working from home claim that online working promotes more progress as it is comfortable and quiet
work
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. They believe
,
Correct word choice
that
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 when a person works
alone
Punctuation problem
alone,
show examples
 it is easier to concentrate on
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
work
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 and can create more as there is no destruction like chatting
collages
Punctuation problem
, collages
show examples
 or everyday meetings.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they can
organize
Change the spelling
organise
show examples
 their schedule
according to
Linking Words
 their needs, so that it could match their daily
life
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.
Thus
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,
this
Linking Words
 group of
people
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 often chooses
working
Wrong verb form
to work
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 alone.
Body paragraph 3
However
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,
this
Linking Words
 sedentary style of
life
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 may lead to negative consequences
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as health and mental problems.
People
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 working from home often suffer from back pain, vision problems,
headaches
Correct word choice
and headaches
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which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 in turn,
reduces
Correct subject-verb agreement
reduce
show examples
 quality of
life
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 and working efficiency.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 online working provides opportunities
such
Linking Words
 as concentration,
piece
Use the right word
peace,
show examples
 and
flexible
Add an article
a flexible
show examples
 schedule, I believe that offline working brings long-term benefits that can meet
people
Use synonyms
`s needs and
enhances
Wrong verb form
enhance
show examples
 efficiency.

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task response
You discuss both home work and office work, and you give your view. However, your view changes: the first part says home work is better, but the end says office work is better. Choose one clear view and keep it from start to end.
task response
Give fuller reasons for each side. For example, explain how office talk can help a worker solve a real work problem, and how home work can save travel time and help a parent plan the day.
task response
Use clear examples. Your ideas are mostly general, so one short real-life example in each main part would make your points more strong.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main views, and an end. This is a good shape. But the third main part about health problems comes late and is not fully linked to your final view. Put it into the home-work part or explain why it matters more.
coherence and cohesion
Make the links between ideas more clear. Use simple link words such as “First,” “For example,” “As a result,” and “In contrast.”
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the words are not exact. For example, use “colleagues” instead of “collages,” “peace” instead of “piece,” and “distractions” instead of “destruction.”
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you show both views and state your own view.
coherence and cohesion
Your main parts are easy to see, and you use helpful links such as “On the other hand,” “Moreover,” and “To conclude.”
task response
You give useful points for home work, including quiet time, better focus, and a flexible plan for the day.
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