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Band 5

some media has become an important part in modern life do its advantages outweigh its disadvantages

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Introduction
Social
media
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 is an essential
in
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part of
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this
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 modern world, and it has become an increasingly popular part of
the
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apply
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people
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's lives.
Although
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this
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 approach has certain drawbacks, I believe that social
media
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 enables individuals to
strenghten
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strengthen
 their
relation
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relationships
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 with others by using different digital platforms,
such
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 as Instagram and
Whatapps
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WhatsApp
. It
also
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 helps
the
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apply
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people
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to
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apply
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improve their professional lives with the help of technology.
Body paragraph 1
One significant benefit of using social
media
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applications
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 is that the masses can stay connected with their friends and families, especially if they live far from them.
Moreover
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, they get an opportunity to make
a
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apply
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new friends by using
these
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this
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 platform as a source of interaction.
For example
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, Instagram and Facebook are the most trending
applications
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 for making friends
and
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, and
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also
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 these are used by
people
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 to make video calls to their
beloved
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loved
 ones.
As a result
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, they can feel more
socialized
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socialised
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 and
also
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 stay motivated.
Body paragraph 2
Another advantage is that
worker
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workers
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 can improve their productivity and
,
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apply
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 they can easily
organize meeting
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organise meetings
 with their team members by using professional platforms,
such
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 as Zoom, even if they are working from
the
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apply
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home.
For instance
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,
number
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a number
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 of forums can be used by
the
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apply
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people
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 to improve their work with
an
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the
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 assistance of
expertises
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experts
.
Consequently
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, they may
be
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apply
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acquire the rewards and promotion from the management.
Body paragraph 3
However
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, despite these merits, there are some drawbacks associated with using these
applications
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. Excessive use of these technologies can have some detrimental effects on individuals' health.
This
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 is because masses can ignore the physical activities and heavily rely on these platforms to
engaging
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engage
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 with their relatives.
Therefore
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, they can gain weight and experience eye strain.
Conclusion
In conclusion, even though social
media
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 has some negative points, I think that
this
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 technology has more positive consequences because it is beneficial for the all age
people
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to
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of all ages to
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 improve their
relationship
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relationships
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 and enjoy their work
while
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 connecting with others using social
applications
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.

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task response
Answer the main question more fully. You say the good points are greater, but explain why they are more important than the bad points.
task response
Develop each main idea with a clearer link. For example, say how staying in touch and work help people more than the health problems hurt them.
task response
Use more exact examples. The examples of Instagram, Facebook, and Zoom fit the topic, but explain what people do on them and what good result they get.
task response
Keep the focus on social media. Zoom is useful for work, but it is less clearly social media, so add an example such as LinkedIn or work groups on social apps.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: an opening, two good points, one bad point, and an ending. Keep this plan.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between paragraphs clearer. At the end of each good-point paragraph, show how that point supports your view that the good points are greater.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Do not put a comma after "and" in phrases such as "productivity and they can". Use simple links like "also", "because", "so", and "however".
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because there are too many ideas in one sentence. Split them into two short sentences, especially in the second body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Use the same key words in a clear way. Choose "social media" or "social media apps" instead of moving between "technology", "platforms", and "applications" when you mean the same thing.
task response
You give a clear view in the opening and repeat it in the ending: the good points are greater than the bad points.
task response
You include both sides of the topic. Staying in touch, work, and health are all useful ideas for this question.
coherence and cohesion
The paragraph order is easy to understand, and each body paragraph has one main point.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as "For example", "As a result", "However", and "Therefore" help the reader follow your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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