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Writing Samples
Band 5

The diagram shows the process by which milk and related product are produced

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The diagram shows the process by which milk and related product are produced
The diagram displays the method by which
milk
Use synonyms
 and
compare
Correct word choice
other dairy
show examples
 products are constituted.
Overall
Linking Words
, the processes of
milk
Use synonyms
 production
contains
Correct subject-verb agreement
contain
show examples
 8 steps
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 are
moreover
Linking Words
 various products
,
Punctuation problem
. In
show examples
in addition
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 method describes how
milk
Use synonyms
, cheese, cream,
butter
Correct word choice
and butter
show examples
comes
Correct subject-verb agreement
come
show examples
 from.
Firstly
Linking Words
, when the cows graze for their good nutrients, cows
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 procured into the milking machine twice a day to
milk
Use synonyms
the
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
milk
Use synonyms
.
Next
Add a comma
Next,
show examples
 the
milk
Use synonyms
contained
Verb problem
was contained
show examples
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the refrigeration storage and kept sanitary
to
Change preposition
through
show examples
 other methods.
However
Linking Words
, every operation process must maintain a high standard of cleanliness at all times. After storage, the raw
milk
Use synonyms
 is transported daily to processing factories via refrigerators. At the factory, the
milk
Use synonyms
 is
pasteurized
Change the spelling
pasteurised
show examples
 to eliminate the bacteria and
then
Linking Words
 packaged
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 retail.
However
Linking Words
, a portion of
milk
Use synonyms
 that can be
further
Linking Words
 developed
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 cream, butter and various types of cheese.
Finally
Linking Words
, all finished dairy products are carefully merchandised and delivered to supermarkets, grocery stores, and local shops for consumers.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the fifth paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the sixth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words milk with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the sixth paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • dairy farm
  • milking machine
  • raw milk
  • storage tank
  • refrigerated container
  • milk tanker
  • processing plant
  • pasteurisation process
  • quality control
  • packaging stage
  • bottles and cartons
  • dairy products
  • cheese production
  • cream and butter
  • final products
  • distribution network
  • deliver to supermarkets
  • ready for consumption
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