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Band 6.5

The first table chart below show changes in the total population of New York City from 1800 to 2000. The second and third table show changes in the population of the five districts of the city (Manhatten, Bronx, Queens,

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The first table chart below show changes in the total population of New York City from 1800 to 2000. The second and third table show changes in the population of the five districts of the city (Manhatten, Bronx, Queens,
The first table illustrates the
population
Use synonyms
 changes in New
York
Use synonyms
City
Use synonyms
 between 1800 and 2000,
while
Linking Words
 the other two tables describe
proportion
Rephrase
the proportions
 and figures of
Use synonyms
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 in
Manhattan
Use synonyms
 and the other four boroughs (Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens, and Staten Island).
Overall
Linking Words
, the
population
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 of New
York
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City
Use synonyms
 increased massively,
while
Linking Words
 the proportion of
Manhattan
Use synonyms
's
population
Use synonyms
 fell considerably
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the other four districts' proportions skyrocketed. In 1800, the New
York
Use synonyms
City
Use synonyms
population
Use synonyms
 stood at 79,216, and for the next two
centuries
Add a comma
centuries,
show examples
 the
city
Use synonyms
's
population
Use synonyms
 rose tremendously.
As a result
Linking Words
, the
population
Use synonyms
 of New
York
Use synonyms
City
Use synonyms
 reached 8,009,185 in 2000, which was approximately 100 times the 1800 figure.
Use synonyms
Manhattan
Add an article
The Manhattan
show examples
population
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 in 1800 started at 60,515
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 was the lowest number compared to the other two years.
While
Linking Words
 in 1900 the
population
Use synonyms
grown
Verb problem
had grown
show examples
 significantly to 1,850,093, nearly 30 times higher than
Linking Words
last
Change preposition
in the last
show examples
 century. Despite the
population
Use synonyms
 growth,
Manhattan
Use synonyms
's proportion decreased considerably from 76% in 1800 to 19% in 2000. The other districts' populations and proportions jumped dramatically.
In addition
Linking Words
, the populations combined stood at 18,701 and skyrocketed to 6,471,089 in 2000.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the proportions increased
highly
Rephrase
significantly
show examples
 from 24% at first to 81%
at the end
Linking Words
.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words population, york, city, manhattan with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "changes" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "table" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 6 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "skyrocketed" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "stood" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "considerably" was used 2 times.
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