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Writing Samples
Band 7

(Re) In modern society, more and more people live longer. Do you think the benefits of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
The
life
Use synonyms
 expectancy of
people
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 has been increasing in recent years.
Although
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this
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 trend has some drawbacks, I believe that the advantages are greater than the disadvantages.
While
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 a long
life
Use synonyms
 span increases a financial burden on society, it is valuable for improving
people
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's well-being and the preservation of traditional and historical memories.
Body paragraph 1
Increased longevity can increase
healthcare
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costs
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. A case in point is Japan, where an ageing population is placing a heavy financial strain on working-age
people
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 to maintain the
healthcare
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 system.
As a result
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, workers may have less money to spend or save.
This
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, thereby, brings a negative effect on a national level.
However
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, it can be mitigated by reforming a new
healthcare
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 system,
such
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 as that used in the US, where medical
costs
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 are covered by individuals or companies through medical insurance.
Hence
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, though a longer
life
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 expectancy increases the social
costs
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, these
costs
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 could be reduced through
healthcare
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 reform.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, a longer
life
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 can improve a sense of well-being because
people
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 have more opportunities to spend time with family and friends. If
people
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 live longer,
for instance
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, they are able to witness
grandchildren's
Correct determiner usage
their grandchildren's
show examples
 growth.
Additionally
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, a longer lifespan can help us pass on historical memories to younger cohorts. In my experience, I had an opportunity to hear the story about the atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima from someone who actually suffered. The story was so vivid that I could still remember it after 20 years had passed.
However
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, the current younger generation can't have opportunities , as almost all the witnesses are already dead.
This
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 benefit,
therefore
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, is invaluable and should be regarded as an enormous advantage.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
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 a longer
life
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 expectancy might entail a monetary strain on the community, the advantages of a longer lifespan,
such
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 as a higher welfare and the preservation of memories, outweigh the disadvantages.

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task response
You answer the main question clearly and keep the same view from start to end. To make the answer stronger, explain more fully why family time and old people’s stories are more important than the money cost.
task response
Your Japan and Hiroshima examples are clear and useful. Be careful with the US health care example: it may move costs from the state to people and firms, rather than truly make them lower. Explain this point more clearly or use a safer example.
task response
The idea about passing on memories is strong. Link it more directly to society by saying how first-hand stories can help young people learn from the past and avoid harm in the future.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: introduction, one drawback, two benefits, and conclusion. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
The second body part has two different benefits. Add a short linking sentence between them, such as: “A further benefit is that older people can share what they have seen and learned.” This will make the move smoother.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are not natural. For example, change “This, thereby, brings a negative effect” to “This can also harm the national economy.” Also remove the space before the comma in “opportunities ,”.
coherence and cohesion
Use the same key words in a clear way. You use “long life span,” “longevity,” and “longer lifespan.” This is fine, but repeat one main phrase at times so the reader can follow your main point more easily.
task response
Your position is clear: the good points of longer lives are greater than the bad points.
task response
The personal story about Hiroshima is vivid and gives strong support to your point about keeping memories alive.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph starts with a clear main idea, and the final paragraph gives a direct summary of your view.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful link words such as “Although,” “However,” “On the other hand,” and “In conclusion.”
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