IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people prefer to buy high-tech electronic devices like cell phones and computers instant when they are introduced for the first time, while others believe it is better to buy these products after a while when they are in the stores. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
Two groups of
people
Use synonyms
 have different
opnions
Correct your spelling
opinions
 about the
time
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 of buying new
devices
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,
such
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 as
computers
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 and mobile
phones
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. The
first
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 group prefers to buy them once they are in
stores
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.
While
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,
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apply
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 others
differently
Rephrase
apply
show examples
say that it is more beneficial to buy them after sometimes of
avalibality
Correct your spelling
availability
 in
stores
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. For me, the former
opnion
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opinion
 might be better for
users
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 for some reasons.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, buyers may benefit from buying
devices
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at
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for
show examples
 the
first
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time
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from
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with
show examples
gifts
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 that come with them. Tech companies may persuade customers at the
time
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 of introducing their new
compuers
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computers
 with
gifts
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,
such
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 as free covers or charges.
Linking Words
This
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These
show examples
 free
gifts
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 might be limited for sometimes.
Then
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, after
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time
Add an article
a time
show examples
, these
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gifts
Check wording
gift
show examples
devices
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 are supposed to be bought with
money
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 and unrelated to these new
computers
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. So, customers who did not buy a new computer at the
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first
Correct word choice
apply
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time
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of
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apply
show examples
it intriducing, they might pay extra
money
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 for its
charge
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cost
show examples
 and cover afterwards. Unlike
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
other
Check wording
others
show examples
 who buy it the
first
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time
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, they might save
other
Correct word order
money on other devices
show examples
devices
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money
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, if they had them as
gifts
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 for free with the computer. So,
this
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 can be a benefit of buying
compuers
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computers
 at the
time
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 of
relaesing
Correct your spelling
releasing
 them in
stores
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 that
users
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are benefited
Wrong verb form
benefit
show examples
 from
gifts
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 and are more likely to save more
money
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, some
production
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issues
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 may appear after
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time of
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apply
show examples
using new
devices
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.
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for some time.
show examples
 Some well-known tech companies
realese
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release
 new
phones
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. Afterwards,
people
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 may hear about other
users
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face
Wrong verb form
facing
show examples
 some problems with these
phones
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.
For example
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,
Apple
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 company at the
time
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 of
realeasing Iphone
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releasing iPhone
 X
users
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 reported about problems in their
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phones's bettaries
Rephrase
phones' batteries
. It turns out
at
Correct word choice
that at
show examples
 the
time
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that
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,
show examples
Apple
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 had
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 issue
at
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with
show examples
 the
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time
Check wording
apply
show examples
production
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some
Correct word order
apply
show examples
of
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devices
Correct determiner usage
some devices
show examples
.
Then
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,
Apple
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 announced at the
time
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 that they would
realease
Correct your spelling
release
 other
devices
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 without
this
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 issue. So,
users
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 who did not buy these
phones
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 at
first
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Check wording
apply
show examples
time
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,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
might be able to buy them without any
production
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issues
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. Especially, for
people
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 who live in countries that do not have
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apple
Capitalize the proper name
Apple
show examples
stores
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, they might not be able to have
compensations
Check wording
compensation
show examples
 if they faced
production
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issues
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. So, it is better for them to wait sometimes before buying
such
Linking Words
phones
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to
Correct word choice
so as
show examples
 not
face
Verb problem
to face
show examples
 any
issues
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.
Conclusion
In my
opnion
Correct your spelling
opinion
,
although
Linking Words
 buying
computers
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 and
phones
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at
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the
first
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time
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 of
realsing
Correct your spelling
releasing
 them in
stores
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 might be good for
people
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, if they had free
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gifts
Check wording
gift
show examples
 charges and covers.
This
Linking Words
 can save more
money
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, if they buy them before vanishing these
gifts
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. Personally, it can be better for
people
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 to wait
to
Correct word choice
so as
show examples
 not to face any
production
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 problems. Especially
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 for
people
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 who live in areas
do
Correct pronoun usage
that do
show examples
 not have official
stores
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 related to these
devices
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, so they might not easily replace their mobiles or
computers
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, because of these
issues
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. It is wise
from
Change preposition
for
show examples
people
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 to wait sometimes until
ensure
Correct pronoun usage
they ensure
show examples
 that they know all
Use synonyms
devices issue
Rephrase
the device issues
.

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view. To improve, explain more fully why early buyers may want the newest device, not only free gifts. Also make your final view more direct: say clearly that waiting is better.
task response
Your Apple example is useful, but it is not fully clear. Use one simple example and explain how it proves your point. Avoid details that may not be true, such as a problem with one phone model.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part plan: opening, first view, second view, and your view. This helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. In the first main paragraph, focus on free gifts. In the second, focus on device problems. Do not repeat the same point many times.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. For example: “On the one hand”, “However”, “For example”, “As a result”, and “In my view”. Do not begin too many sentences with “So” or “Then”.
coherence and cohesion
Make sentences shorter and clearer. For example, write: “People who buy early can get free covers and chargers.” This is clearer than a long sentence with many ideas.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you explain why some people buy at once, why others wait, and what you think.
task response
You give clear reasons for both sides: free items for early buyers and fewer product problems for people who wait.
coherence and cohesion
The main paragraphs use clear topic ideas, so the reader can see the two different views.
coherence and cohesion
Your final paragraph returns to your own view and gives a reason for it.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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