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Band 4.5

Many countries now have people from different cultures and ethnic groups. What are the reasons for this? Is it a positive or negative development?

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Introduction
World
globalization
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globalisation
show examples
 has started with a mix of cultures and nationality is some
countries
Use synonyms
.
People
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 are looking for
better
Add an article
a better
show examples
 quality of life and opportunities overseas. In my opinion,
imigrants
Correct your spelling
immigrants
 are a great development for certain
countries
Use synonyms
, since the
people
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 have
a degree
Check wording
the ability
show examples
 to work in areas in need and respect the local culture.
Body paragraph 1
With
differents
Replace the word
different
 problems around the world,
such
Linking Words
 as wars and economic instability,
people
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 are
traveling
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travelling
show examples
 to find
better
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a better
show examples
 life in more developed
countries
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. Bringing with them their costumes and traditions, making a mix of
culture
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cultures
show examples
 in some cities. A good example of
this
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 is the
Ukranian
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Ukrainian
people
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more
Add a semicolon
; more
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 than half of
Ukraine
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Ukraine's
show examples
 population has moved
country
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out of the country
show examples
due to
Linking Words
 the war with Russia. Indeed, those
people
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 had no choice but
leave
Verb problem
to leave
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, and make a new life in
other
Correct determiner usage
another
show examples
 place.
Also
Linking Words
, money is
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 important key to make
people
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 want to move, looking for highly
delevoped
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developed
countries
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 for better salaries.
Body paragraph 2
Globalization
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Globalisation
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 helps nations to fill
labours
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labour
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 shortages with immigrant workers. Places with difficults on expand owing to
workforce
Add an article
a workforce
show examples
missing
Check wording
shortage
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 should increase the search for skilled immigrants, helping to increase the economy and the job market. Australia is a great example of
this
Linking Words
, bringing every year
hundreads
Correct your spelling
hundreds
 of overseas
people
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 to work
at
Change preposition
on
show examples
 farms, helping the locals.
Conclusion
Linking Words
to
Capitalize the word
To
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 conclude, it is extremely valuable the immigrant work in certain places. Not only for
economically
Replace the word
economic
 reasons, but
also
Linking Words
 to help
people
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are having
difficults on
Rephrase
difficulties in
 their hometown. Nowadays, has become normal
the
Verb problem
to
show examples
 mix
of culture
Check wording
cultures
show examples
 in some big cities, creating more networking between different
civilizations
Change the spelling
civilisations
show examples
 and with a more connected world.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You explain why people move, but your view is not fully clear. Say clearly that this is mainly a good change, then explain why it is good for both new people and the country.
task response
Develop each main idea with a clear reason and result. For example, explain how new workers help farms, hospitals, or other jobs, and how this helps the country.
task response
Use examples more carefully. The Ukraine example is relevant, but the claim that more than half of the people moved country is too broad. Use a safer example, such as: “Many people from Ukraine have moved to other countries because of the war.”
task response
Give one idea about possible problems, even if you think the change is good. For example, some new people may need help with language, homes, and work. Then explain why the good points are still stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first paragraph more direct. It should introduce the two reasons you will discuss and clearly state your view.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. Paragraph two can focus on war and money. Paragraph three can focus on jobs and the economy. This will make the essay easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words to show the order of ideas: “First”, “Also”, “For example”, “As a result”, and “In conclusion”.
coherence and cohesion
Improve sentence links. Some sentences are not complete or are joined in an unclear way. For example, change “Bringing with them their costumes and traditions” to “They bring their customs and traditions with them.”
coherence and cohesion
Make the last paragraph a short summary of your main points and your view. Avoid adding a new idea, such as networking, unless you explained it earlier.
task response
You give clear reasons why people move: war, money, better pay, and a better life.
task response
The Australia example helps show how new workers can fill jobs that local people may not want or cannot do.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear beginning, two main body paragraphs, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
Your ideas generally move from reasons for moving to the good effects for the new country.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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