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Writing Samples
Band 5

Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on children. Do you argee or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Introduction
It is often argued that using
Use synonyms
computer
Add an article
a computer
show examples
 every day can have a worse impact on
children
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 than
positive
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a positive
show examples
 effect. I largely disagree with
this
Linking Words
 view because
opearting
Correct your spelling
operating a
computer
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, including the use of advanced technology
such
Linking Words
 as smartphones, would potentially boost their knowledge and capabilities to adapt
with
Change preposition
to
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 digital transformation.
Body paragraph 1
The main reason for
this
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 position is that
children
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 can explore anything with the platform and get
a
Correct article usage
apply
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significant
benefit
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benefits
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 for their lives.
This
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 is because
children
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 can use
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computer
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a computer
show examples
 as a
tools
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tool
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 to improve their
hardskill
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hard skills
 and
softskill
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soft skills
,
such
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 as improving their reading
skill
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skills
show examples
 through websites
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as
Punctuation problem
, as
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 well as communication
skill
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skills
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 through social
media
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.
For instance
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,
children
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 can use
youtube
Capitalize the proper name
YouTube
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 to watch education-related
contents
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content
show examples
 so that they
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 cannot access a class because of distance or time
constraint
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constraints
show examples
 will
benefited by
Rephrase
benefit from
this
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media
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. Another example is
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children
Correct word choice
that children
show examples
Linking Words
also can
Correct word order
can also
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 connect with their peers and teacher via social
media
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 to communicate and intensify their relationship.
As a result
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,
children
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 can be more adaptive
with
Change preposition
to
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 the current situation and rapid changes of
digital
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the digital
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 era. They
also
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 potentially enhance their skills and capabilities to achieve their goals related to their passion.
Body paragraph 2
Further
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 reason is that
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computer provides
Rephrase
computers provide
 many
application
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applications
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 and software as a
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media
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medium
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 to help
parents
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 teach their
children
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.
Although
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 the ease of
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children
Check wording
children's
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 access to
internet
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the internet
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 can potentially
contaminated
Verb problem
be contaminated
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 with negative
contents
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content,
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 which should be closely watched by
parents
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.
For instance
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, when
children
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 know how to operate the website and googling relate to negative activities
such
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 as porn or disturbing stuff, it will
make a
Verb problem
be
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 detrimental
for
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to
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 their
habit
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habits
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 as well.
This
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 means that
fully
Replace the word
full
 control and supervision from
parents
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 is
crucial
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a crucial
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 factor which can impact on
children
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 future.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I largely disagree that
Use synonyms
computer
Check wording
computers
show examples
 can create
more
Add an article
a more
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 negative impact than
positive
Add an article
a positive
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 to
children
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.
This
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 is
primarly
Correct your spelling
primarily
 because of the huge potential of
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computer
Check wording
computers
show examples
 to support the
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children
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children's
show examples
 growth and shape their character.
Furthermore
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, with the proper guidance from
parents
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,
children
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 can get many
benefit
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benefits
show examples
 and
maximize
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maximise
show examples
 their potential to improve
theirself
Fix the agreement mistake
themselves
show examples
.

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task response
State your view more directly in the first paragraph. Then make each main point show clearly why the good effects are greater than the bad effects.
task response
Develop the second main point more fully. You mention harmful web content, but explain more clearly how parent help, safe settings, and time limits can reduce this risk.
task response
Use more exact examples. For example, describe a child who uses online lessons to learn a school subject, or a parent who checks the child’s screen time and web use.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body paragraphs, and an ending. Make the second body paragraph easier to follow by starting with its main idea: parent control makes computer use safer.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one clear purpose in each paragraph. The second body paragraph begins with a good point about apps for parents, but then moves quickly to bad content. Link these ideas with a clear sentence about how parents can use tools to keep children safe.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words in a more exact way. Words such as “First,” “For example,” “However,” “Therefore,” and “In conclusion” can show the order of your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid long sentences with many ideas. Shorter sentences will make your meaning clearer, especially when you explain risks and parent help.
task response
You answer the question clearly and give a clear view that daily computer use can be more helpful than harmful.
task response
Your points about learning, contact with teachers and friends, and parent guidance are relevant to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear overall shape: an introduction, main paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use examples, such as online videos and contact through social media, to support your ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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