IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last decade. discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
The percentage of overweight
children
Use synonyms
 in
western
Capitalize the proper name
Western
show examples
society
Use synonyms
 has increased by almost 20% in the
last
Linking Words
 decade.
discuss
Capitalize the word
Discuss
show examples
 the causes and effects of
this
Linking Words
 disturbing trend.
Body paragraph 1
Recently, in Western
Use synonyms
society
Add a comma
society,
show examples
 the percentage of overweight
children
Use synonyms
 has risen by almost 20% over the
last
Linking Words
 decade.
This
Linking Words
 essay will
firstly
Linking Words
 discuss the
reass
Correct your spelling
reasons
 behind
this
Linking Words
 trend before explaining the negative impacts it has on
society
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
One major reason why most
children
Use synonyms
 suffer from
overweight
Verb problem
being overweight
show examples
 is that
children
Use synonyms
 have curiosity about unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as pizza,
burger
Check wording
burgers,
show examples
 and other oily, harmful
Use synonyms
food
Check wording
foods
show examples
.
In other words
Linking Words
, we want to explore why
children
Use synonyms
 are choosing
such
Linking Words
 kinds of
food
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, many
children
Use synonyms
 tend to prefer fast
food
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 their tastes. Fast
food
Use synonyms
 always
t stes
Correct your spelling
tastes
 delicious.
Moreover
Linking Words
, advertising
such
Linking Words
 kinds of
food
Use synonyms
 can attract
children
Use synonyms
's attention easily.
Colorful
Change the spelling
Colourful
show examples
 packaging
appeal
Correct subject-verb agreement
appeals
show examples
 to
children
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 3
Another reason is
that
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
 sedentary
lifestyle
Use synonyms
.
Children
Use synonyms
 spend hours watching TV or playing video games.
Body paragraph 4
They spend less time
to play
Wrong verb form
playing
show examples
 outside or walking. Modern technology
Body paragraph 5
reduces daily physical activities. These are the main reasons why most
children
Use synonyms
 struggle with
overweight
Verb problem
being overweight
show examples
.
Body paragraph 6
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, the detrimental impacts of fast
food
Use synonyms
 and
sedentary
Add an article
a sedentary
show examples
lifestyle
Use synonyms
 on
children
Use synonyms
's
life
Check wording
lives
show examples
 cannot be overlooked. The notable negative effect is that eating fast
food
Use synonyms
everyday
Rephrase
every day
show examples
 can lead to serious
healthy
Replace the word
health
 problems
such
Linking Words
 as obesity, heart disease
because
Punctuation problem
, because
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
they consume extra calories
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it is extremely hazardous for their age. To clarify, these can result in
life threatening
Correct your spelling
life-threatening
 issues for their life.
Body paragraph 7
Moreover
Linking Words
, in the long term
lack
Rephrase
, a lack
 of physical activities
also
Linking Words
increase
Rephrase
increases the
 risk for
children
Use synonyms
's
living
Check wording
health,
show examples
 including muscle weakness
,
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 poor sleep quality. They do not burn enough calories
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it can
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
result in obesity.
So
Correct determiner usage
A
show examples
 sedentary
lifestyle
Use synonyms
, in these
examples
Punctuation problem
examples,
show examples
 may impact
society
Use synonyms
 negatively.
Conclusion
In conclusion, eating unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 and
sedentary
Add an article
a sedentary
show examples
lifestyle
Use synonyms
 are the main reasons behind the growing popularity of
such
Linking Words
 productions.
However
Linking Words
, they impact
society
Use synonyms
 negatively as they may lead to obesity and other serious health issues.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Discuss both causes and effects in equal detail. The causes are clear, but the effects need more full ideas about children, families, schools, and health care.
task response
Explain each main idea more clearly. For example, say how ads make children want fast food, and how less exercise leads to weight gain.
task response
Use more real and clear examples. You could mention school meals, TV ads, time on phones, or fewer safe places to play.
task response
Avoid ideas that do not help the question. The line about children being curious about unhealthy food is not as clear as the ideas about taste, ads, and easy access.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each body paragraph. The first body paragraph can focus on food, and the second can focus on less exercise.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear links between ideas, such as “As a result”, “For this reason”, and “In addition”. This will make the flow easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Make full sentences and join short parts carefully. For example, change “Another reason is that sedentary lifestyle” to “Another cause is a sedentary lifestyle.”
coherence and cohesion
Check repeated words and unclear phrases. Use “overweight children” or “childhood obesity” in place of “such productions” at the end.
task response
You answer both parts of the question by giving causes and effects of child weight gain.
task response
Your main causes are relevant: fast food, ads, TV, and video games.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, body paragraphs, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful linking words, such as “Moreover”, “Nevertheless”, and “In conclusion”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: