IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

With the increased global demands in oil and gas, undiscovered areas of the world should be opened to access more resources. To what extent do you agree?

7.5 / 9
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Introduction
It is often argued that the undiscovered areas of
oil
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 and gas exploration should be assessed for more
resources
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 throughout the world because of the increasing demand for these products. I disagree with
this
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 argument to a great extent because extracting non-renewable
resources
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 is not a wise approach, as excessive mining can have devastating effects on the environment and disrupt the
overall
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 ecosystem.
Body paragraph 1
The primary reason is that the environment could be disturbed , as drilling and cutting trees are performed on a regular basis.
In other words
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, the degradation of the Earth leads to climate change,
such
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 as rising temperatures and pollution.
For example
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, excessive exploration of the
oil
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 in Assam, India, can affect the weather of the region, which contributes to increasing global warming
due to
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 the rising temperature.
As a result
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, people's health may be affected
due to
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 climate change.
Body paragraph 2
Another significant cause is the disturbance of wildlife in the forest.
This
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 is because the number of trees is cut down to extract
oil
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 and gas from the earth.
Moreover
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, deforestation forces wild animals, particularly tigers and monkeys, to leave their natural habitats.
For instance
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, animals are disappearing in the forest of Gujarat, India ,
due to
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 regular disturbance by the miners.
Consequently
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, the natural food chain may be disrupted, threatening biodiversity and the survival of several species.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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oil
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 and gas are essential
resources
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 for people around the world, I think that environmental concerns and the destruction of wildlife habitats cannot be overlooked, as excessive extraction of these
resources
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 can have long-term detrimental consequences for the planet.

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task response
State your view more directly in the first paragraph. Say that you disagree because new oil and gas work harms nature and does not solve the long-term need for energy.
task response
Develop each main point further. Explain how oil work causes harm, then explain why this harm is a strong reason not to open new land.
task response
Your examples are clear, but they are quite general. Add one real detail, such as a place, a type of harm, or what happened to local people or animals.
task response
The essay says oil and gas are not a wise choice, but it does not say what should be done instead. Briefly suggest clean energy, lower energy use, or better use of known fields.
coherence and cohesion
Your four-paragraph plan is clear: introduction, two body paragraphs, and conclusion. Keep this structure.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer link between the first body paragraph and climate change. Drilling and cutting trees do not always lead straight to climate change, so explain the steps more carefully.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same ideas about trees, wildlife, and harm. Give each body paragraph one main job: one on air, water, and climate; the other on animal homes and food chains.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words like “For example”, “As a result”, and “Consequently” are used well, but make sure the sentence after each one is a direct result of the point before it.
task response
You answer the question clearly and give a strong view from the start to the end.
task response
The two main ideas are relevant: harm to the natural world and harm to animal homes.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because each paragraph has a clear main idea.
coherence and cohesion
The ending restates your view and brings the main ideas together well.
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