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Band 6.5

It is the responsibility of schools to teach children good behavior in addition to providing formal education. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Nowadays, some people think that
parents
Use synonyms
 should take responsibility for encouraging their
children
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 to do regular exercise. Other people believe that
schools
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 should take the main responsibility for
this
Linking Words
. In my opinion, both
parents
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 and
schools
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 play an important role in helping
children
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 stay active.
Body paragraph 1
In the first place,
parents
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 have a major influence on their
children
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's daily habits.
Children
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 spend a lot of time at home with their family, particularly on weekends and holidays. If
parents
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 set a good example by exercising every day,
children
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 will naturally follow them.
For example
Linking Words
,
parents
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 can take their
children
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 to the park
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 ride a bike or play badminton together, which
help increasing
Rephrase
helps increase
 interaction between
parents
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 and
children
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
parents
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 can control what their
children
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 do in their free time, so they can limit the time
children
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 spend watching TV or playing computer games.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
schools
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also
Linking Words
 have a great responsibility to encourage students to be active because
children
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 spend most of their week at school. Physical education (PE) classes need more attention.
Schools
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 can provide many different sports activities
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as basketball, swimming, and running, so students can find what they like.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, teachers can educate students about the importance of a healthy lifestyle and regular exercise.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I believe that encouraging
children
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 to exercise is not only the job of
parents
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 or
schools
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. Both sides need to work together.
While
Linking Words
parents
Use synonyms
 build good habits at home,
schools
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 should provide sports programs and facilities to keep
children
Use synonyms
 healthy and active.

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task response
Your answer is clear, but it answers a different question. The question asks about schools teaching good behavior as well as school subjects. Your essay talks about parents and schools helping children exercise. Read the question again and keep every main idea about good behavior.
task response
Give a clear view on the main point: should schools teach good behavior, and how far do you agree? Then explain what good behavior means, such as being kind, honest, polite, and able to work with others.
task response
Use examples that fit the question. For example, schools can teach children to respect teachers, help other students, follow rules, and deal with problems in a calm way. You can also say that parents still have an important part at home.
coherence and cohesion
The four-part plan is easy to follow: opening, parents, schools, and ending. Keep this plan, but make each paragraph answer the same question.
coherence and cohesion
Your linking words are used well, such as “In the first place”, “On the other hand”, and “In conclusion”. You can make the links even clearer by starting each main paragraph with a sentence about good behavior, not exercise.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas in the parents paragraph are well linked, but the example should support the point more directly. After each example, add one short sentence to show why it proves your view.
task response
You give a clear view that both parents and schools have an important part. Your ideas about home habits and school support are easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning, two main parts, and a clear ending. Each paragraph has one main idea, and the ending brings the two sides together.
coherence and cohesion
The ideas move in a natural way from parents to schools. This makes the writing easy to read.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • good behavior
  • character development
  • values
  • respect
  • kindness
  • interpersonal skills
  • empathy
  • conflict resolution
  • curriculum
  • social and emotional learning (SEL)
  • parental guidance
  • consistent environment
  • academic performance
  • engagement
  • collaboration
  • social cohesion
  • positive reinforcement
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