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Band 4.5

Some people think that parents should teach their children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the best place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
In
this
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 modern era, teaching
children
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 how to be good members of society has been a controversial issue. Some individuals believe that
parents
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 should educate their
children
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how
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on how
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 to be good members
in
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of
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 a
community
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community,
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while
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 others think that
schools
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 are the best place to learn
this
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.
In
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From
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 my perspective, I believe that youngsters must learn how to affect others effectively
by
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from
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 both
parents
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 and academic
institutes
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institutions
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.
Therefore
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, in
this
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 essay, I will discuss both concepts and present my point of view.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with,
parents
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 are responsible for educating their pupils how to deal with people
especially
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, especially
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 at
young
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a young
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 age
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. This
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this
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 is primarily because in
adolescence
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adolescence,
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children
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 are affected by their
parents
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 and how
do
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apply
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they deal. To illustrate,
parents
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 must influence their youngsters to be polite with people ,so they can build strong
relationships
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 with people
in
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,
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 which
it
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apply
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may offer better opportunities in life.
Moreover
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, when
children
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 deal with more individuals, that helps them get more experience
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 later will help them in their social life.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
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,
schools
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 play
vital
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a vital
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 role in a student’s manners
as well as
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parents
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.
This
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 is based on spending most of their time in
schools
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, so they interact with their colleagues and teachers. Academies must educate young generations
how
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on how
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 to positively contribute to the community. Specifically, educational institutions can schedule continuous fairs about how to have healthy
relationships
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 and enhance their communication skills.
In addition
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, if minors are well-educated
how
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on how
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 to end
up
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apply
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toxic
relationships
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, that will let them have
healthy
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a healthy
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 life because toxic
relationships
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 bleed an individual without knowledge.
Conclusion
To sum up
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, educating minors on how to contribute to society positively is a serious issue that the community must face. I believe that
parents
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 and
schools
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 are equally responsible for their kids, and they need to consistently help them until they are fully ready to approach society.

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task response
You discuss both parents and schools, and you give your own view. Make your view more direct: say clearly that both have different but equal jobs.
task response
Explain more fully what a good member of society does. For example, they respect others, follow rules, help people, and take part in their local area.
task response
Your points need stronger support. Give one clear real-life example for each side, such as parents teaching respect at home and schools teaching team work through group tasks.
task response
Some ideas are not closely linked to the question. The point about ending bad relationships does not clearly show how schools teach children to help society.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, parents, schools, and conclusion. Keep this plan, but make each main idea more focused.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic sentences at the start of body paragraphs. For example: “Parents are the first people to teach children social values.”
coherence and cohesion
Break up long sentences. For example, “Children are affected by their parents and how do they deal” is unclear. Write: “Children often copy the way their parents treat other people.”
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Words such as “for example”, “as a result”, and “however” can show the link between ideas more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “people”, “children”, and “society” too often in the same paragraph. Use simple words like “others”, “young people”, or “the community” when the meaning is clear.
task response
You answer all parts of the question by discussing both views and giving your own opinion.
task response
Your main idea that parents and schools should work together is clear and relevant.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction tells the reader what the essay will discuss.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main focus, which helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion restates your view and brings the essay to a clear end.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
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