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Band 4.5

Some people believe that the government should provide free education at all levels. To what extent do you agree or disagree

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Introduction
Free
education
Use synonyms
 as a right for
all
Correct determiner usage
the entire
show examples
 society
community
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apply
show examples
. Some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that all
levels
Use synonyms
 of studies should be
provide
Wrong verb form
provided
show examples
 by
governments
Check wording
government
show examples
 funding. In my opinion, I extremely agree because with more skilled
people
Use synonyms
 on the job market,
more
Rephrase
apply
show examples
the
chance
Check wording
chances
show examples
 of decreasing the jobless
levels
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 and improving the economy.
Body paragraph 1
Back in the day, many
people
Use synonyms
 suffered with the
difficult
Replace the word
difficulties
 of
studing
Correct your spelling
studying
 and
consequently
Linking Words
 having a tough work routine with small salaries.
However
Linking Words
, with more improvements in
education
Use synonyms
 recently, young
people
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 are having more
oportunities
Correct your spelling
opportunities
 nowadays.
Also
Linking Words
, becoming more skilled workers and getting
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
better
salaries
Check wording
salary
show examples
 rates. A good example of
this
Linking Words
 is the illiteracy
levels
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, where in twenty-five years has decreased
almost
Change preposition
by almost
show examples
 eighty percent compared with today, according
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 UFU
a
Punctuation problem
, a
show examples
univerty
Correct your spelling
university
 in Australia. Showing how important
is the knowledge
Correct word order
the knowledge is
show examples
 to
people
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, and proving that
should be free
Correct word order
free education at all levels should be provided
show examples
education
Use synonyms
 at all
levels
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 to improve even more
people
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's
lifes
Correct your spelling
lives
 with better opportunities.
Body paragraph 2
As a consequence
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 are travelling overseas looking for better
education
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. The world globalization are increasing
everyday
Rephrase
every day
show examples
, with
people
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 going
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 underdeveloped countries, where
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
education
Use synonyms
 is a right for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. Those countries have a huge number of capable and qualified workers impacting
directly on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
country
Check wording
country's
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 economy.
USA
Add an article
The USA
show examples
Linking Words
for
Punctuation problem
, for
show examples
 example, have some of the best universities in the world, as
result
Add an article
a result
show examples
 having more skilled
people
Use synonyms
 than any other country.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
,
Education
Use synonyms
 should be free for all
people
Use synonyms
and
Change preposition
at all
show examples
levels
Use synonyms
, in
reason
Check wording
order
show examples
 to improve
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
's
life
Check wording
lives
show examples
 with more opportunities on the job market. Living in a more connected world
remote
Punctuation problem
, remote
show examples
 communities are receiving
educatio
Correct your spelling
education,
 and the
levels
Use synonyms
 of illiteracy are decreasing,
might
Correct pronoun usage
which might
show examples
 become even better with
governments
Check wording
governments'
show examples
 funding.

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task response
Your view is clear: you agree that education should be free. However, explain more fully why the state should pay for every level, not only school. Add a point about higher study, such as college or job training, and say how it can help both people and the country.
task response
Some ideas do not fully support your main view. For example, people who travel abroad for study does not show that free education at home is needed. Replace this with a clear example of a person who can study because the state pays.
task response
Be careful with facts. The claim about illiteracy falling by almost eighty percent and the source named UFU are not clear. In this type of essay, it is safer to use a simple made-up example or explain a general case in detail.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. Make the main idea of each body part more direct. The first body part can focus on jobs and pay; the second can focus on the country, such as health, safety, and growth.
coherence and cohesion
Link some sentences more clearly. Use simple links such as “For this reason”, “As a result”, “In addition”, and “However”. Make sure each link shows the real relation between the two ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same idea about skilled workers, jobs, and the economy. Instead, develop one idea with a clear reason and one example before moving to the next point.
coherence and cohesion
The ending repeats your view well, but it is hard to read in places. State your view again in one clear sentence, then give a short summary of your two main reasons.
task response
You answer the question directly and keep the same view from the start to the end.
task response
You give relevant reasons about work, pay, and the economy.
coherence and cohesion
The essay uses paragraphs and has both an opening and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use links such as “However”, “Also”, “As a consequence”, and “To conclude” to guide the reader.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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